Sun is going down, time is running out
No one else around but me
Steady losing light, steady losing my mind
Moving shadows and grinding teeth

Without you, there ain’t no place for me to hide
Without you, there’s no way I can sleep tonight
What I’d do for a little bit of peace and quiet
Without you, I keep

Slipping into bad dreams (Bad dreams)
Where there’s no you and I
No sound when I cry
I love you and I need you to set me free
From all of these
Bad dreams (Bad dreams)
Waitin’ on the other side
No sound when I cry
I love you and I need you to set me free

When I started spewing my poorly written thoughts out a little over a year ago on this blog, it wasn’t for anyone else. I was in a place where I felt like if I didn’t find a way to get these thoughts out of my head, they might take me down with them, so I started writing. I’m sure over the last 13 months my writing has improved, but I didn’t pay attention to English class in school, and this shitty grammar is the result of that.

I only started sharing it because I’d share shorter more abbreviated thoughts surrounding mental health and people started to reach out, they said they appreciated that I shared my struggles because it helped them with theirs. Anyone who knows me knows all I ever wanna do in life is take care of others, and I never expect it in return, in fact I don’t want it in return. I can take care of me, and others.. most of the time.

So we all know I got fired yesterday, and I’m still cool with it. I think I stood my ground on what I believed to be right. I don’t believe I did anything wrong, but there’s this lingering feeling of.. I’m not sure what to call it. Emptiness?

You know the hard part about having your work be your life is when you lose your work, you lose your life. I didn’t feel fulfilled yesterday, I didn’t feel fulfilled today. I have this overwhelming longing to connect with people. I think that’s the other hard part of my work for me.

As someone who outside of my work is not a confident person, I’ve felt really alone and isolated the last 24 hours or so, maybe more so than I’ve ever felt, and it’s making me a bit nervous. Sometimes after a week that’s overstimulating I love to isolate a tiny bit. When I’m forced into isolation I panic. The panic has set in.

The weird thing about being alone is not feeling like you don’t have anyone, it’s feeling like no one has you. Especially in this situation. I feel like I just got fired and now I suddenly lost a team of people who I was around 5 days a week. It’s a feeling that is very unsettling to me now, but wouldn’t have been this time last year.

This is a moment where it’s nice to recognize that all the therapy and bullshit is paying off. This time last year if I felt this way I would have responded in a different way. I would have used self harm or started to experience thoughts of suicidal ideation. Now I sort of recognize when feelings like that are trying to creep in and do my best to keep them at bay. It doesn’t always work, and work was a big coping skill for me. If I was having a day where I wanted to cut myself, and I went to work it would be one of my most creative days. If I had a day where I thought about taking my own life, and I went to work, it would be a day I’d make the biggest impact on the team and guests around me. My biggest coping skill was just taken from me.

I’d like to be clear because I know certain people will read this and get nervous: there’s such thing as passive suicidal ideation. It means you think about the general thought of giving up or taking your own life but you don’t have a plan in place, and more importantly you’re not acting on that plan. So when I say I’m having a day where I think about taking my own life, that’s what I mean. If it ever got to a point where I wanted to do it and had a plan I’d just go to the hospital, I’ve done it before, I’m not selfish enough to take my own life. And I’m not throwing shade at those who have because it’s really fucking hard to beat the demons, but you have to think about the profound effect your absence would have on the world around you.

I guess all of this was a long winded way of saying that maybe I feel alone, and maybe I feel a bit scared, and scared isn’t a feeling I’m used to. I know I’ll be okay but the transition will be a vulnerable time, and it annoys the fuck out of me to admit that I feel vulnerable.

Baby, please come around, help me settle down
Hellish habits keep clouding my head
What you waiting for? Something physical?
I can’t do this by myself

The skies are still a little too gray….

J