Not like the band, but like what I say when I flip the sign from closed to open every day.

Been struggling with feeling like enough the last few days, and one of my favorite people I know said: “you should feel more than good enough you’re so kind and giving, like bitch read your reviews.” That’s not terribly wrong, I try to be kind and giving, but I do it from a selfish place. I do it because when I’m on the floor during service, running drinks, bussing tables, chatting with guests, it feels good.

What nobody realizes, is how fast those demons creep back up at the end of the night. When I shut the lights off, and lock the door, walking down a dark but charming mount Vernon street, I’m alone yet again. Alone to overthink the mistakes I made in the night, the things I wish I did better, the things I wish I was just better at. Working every day at being a better person, and a better hospitality professional is a worthy pursuit to me. It is my purpose in life, to care for others. To make others feel seen and heard. I’m so passionate about that pursuit because most of my life I have not.

Do you reach a tipping point in this pursuit? Is there a point where taking care of other people to fill that void inside yourself becomes pointless? because at the end of every night that void opens back up.

This all probably sounds a bit dramatic, but it certainly makes you pause and wonder: is it all for nothing?

I think I chase this idea of making people feel seen and heard hoping that, in return, some day someone will make me feel that way. Sometimes hearing someone or seeing someone isn’t trying to pick them up when they’re down, it’s just letting them know that you understand why they’re down. That despite the odds, you’re on their side. I’m not sure I’ve ever felt like someone was on my side.

In my last relationship the biggest issue wasn’t either one of us being right or wrong, it was both of us invalidating the feeling of the other. She would argue one point and I would argue the other. Sometimes you just want someone to say you know what, I see your point, and your feelings are valid.

I did this last night for my sister and it was a nice moment. I called her a hypochondriac and it triggered her because one of her friends can be a bit of an asshole and always assume that she’s being dramatic. You know what they say about assumptions. I told her I was only kidding but she continued to be defensive. I stopped the conversation, I looked her in the eyes and I said hey, I was joking, I didn’t mean to trigger you, and I’m sorry. Normally that’s not how me and my sister communicate we’d argue until I walked away, but in that moment I could see that she felt seen and heard, and she said I accept your apology and we moved on to the next topic.

No one’s ever done that for me. I’m fine with that but at a point you begin to wonder, is there someone out there that wants to do that for me?

Is there someone who wants to make my energy? or am I going to spend the rest of my life being the person who always puts in more effort?

Time decides I guess.

J