All the wicked things that I keep thinking
Are putting lines across my face
I should be happy with what I’ve got going
Shouldn’t be bitter at my age

Someone amazing’s in the room
And I don’t want them to be there
They’re looking beautiful and cool
I just want to feel that too

I want what you got, I say it a lot

You know how they say the grass isn’t always greener on the other side? Well how are you supposed to know when that’s true and when it’s not, when you’re supposed to jump and when you’re supposed to wait.

In theory on Friday I become the general manager of 1928, a restaurant I love dearly. A restaurant that I think can lead to the best places it’s ever been. A restaurant whose owner genuinely believes in me and treats me as well as one could.

But what if that’s not what’s meant for me?

I saw today that Bar Volpe is looking for a general manager. I worked there briefly in late 2021? I hated it because the director of operations was so god damn mean to me. She made me feel like trash and made me hate myself. It actually got so bad I went to the hospital because I thought I might just wanna take my own life. She’s not there anymore, and even though I dont necessarily think I’d even be considered for the job, for a moment I paused. I thought about what it would be like to run that restaurant. I remember the space so intimately, I remember knowing how big its presence could be, I remember welcoming a line of people in every day as the assistant general manager. It was both the first time I realized I had what it took, and the first time I realized maybe I’m not good at this.

I’m a bit of a person who holds on to the people who I’m doubted by, and I know that’s a negative unhealthy way to be, but it fucking fires me up. It fires me up because I have what it takes to be anything I want to be. I have been to such dark places, and experienced so much suffering in life, not by choice, and that’s what makes me kind. It’s also what makes me able to bring myself to a dark place and shut off and show anyone who doubts me how fucking wrong they are. There isn’t a problem I can’t solve. There isn’t a task I can’t take on.

I only know I can be whatever the fuck I want to be in life because I’m still fucking here. Despite wild complications my mom had during pregnancy with me. Despite being raised by heroin addicts for a big period of my life. Despite then being raised by a single woman who’s only 11 years older than me and was supposed to be my sister not my mom. Despite being poor, and being bullied, and not liked. Despite not liking myself sometimes, and going through times where I really wanted to take my own life, through fucking all of it, I’m still here.

That reminds me that whatever fucking higher power there is, whether it be god, or the universe, or my fucking dog that passed away, whatever is up there controlling what’s down here, has me here for a reason. It’s to do this. It’s to lead people, it’s to run a fucking business and do it well.

Normally I always go for the vendetta, normally I’d always apply at bar volpe just to prove to Karen that I had what it took then and I have what it takes now, to prove to her friend who was the director of operations, to prove to tom from alcove. To prove to every motherfucker that doubted me, that they were wrong. Not this time. I don’t play to get even, I play to win.

Friday, it begins, and it begins at 1928, it begins with Kristin Jenkins. I’ve watched people doubt her for the last 6 months, I’ve been doubted the last 29 years. Friday it’s gonna get real quiet for anyone who ever doubted, because at the end of the day, together, her and I will win. We will prove everyone wrong. We will create a safe space for everyone, a place people want to come, a place people tell their friends about, and a place we can both be proud of.

At some point in my life, I wanted what other people had.

Today, I want what I got.

J.