And I don’t know just what to do
I’m fine, but feel I’m breaking through
My world’s a honey shade of blue
I’m crying, wish I wasn’t hanging on
But it was coming all along
It was coming all along

I’m not sure how much I’ll actually be able to write of this, since my hands look like they were stung by bees and it feels like some is holding a blow torch to them, but we keep fighting here.

Big week, strange week.

I’ve been working in restaurants almost 11 years, and for those 11 years, I’ve always wanted more. When I was 18 I used to think I knew enough to be a general manager, and now, having been an assistant general manager for a bit, I know that’s probably not true. But who knows, because I’m a problem solver, and I learn fast. And when I want something I don’t quit. You don’t give up on what you want, you don’t give up on your dreams.

There’s been times in this life where I’ve thought about giving up, and I’ve thought about quitting my dreams, but I never actually did it, because I’d rather die chasing my dreams, knowing I tried my best, I did all I could do, than die wondering what could have been.

Not to feel sorry for myself, because I never do, but, the cards haven’t been in my favor as long as I can remember. My parents were heroine addicts, my 24 year old sister had to adopt me when I was 13, she had to work 3 jobs and sacrifice her 20’s to raise me. I cant imagine what that was like because I’m older today than she was when she adopted me and if I had to take in a 13 year old boy right now I’d be fucked. The fact that I got to 13, I got to the extraction point where she removed me from who knows what could have been, is a miracle alone. Making it to be 28, almost 29 and think about how for the last 16 years I’ve struggled with anxiety, depression, panic attacks, agoraphobia, and I am where I am is… I dont have words.

I’m about to share a secret, but luckily only a handful of people read this shit and I know the secret won’t get out.

After 11 years of sacrifice, losing relationships, missing events and time with family, missing holidays, working long hours and late nights I fucking did it. Next week I become the general manager of 1928. The people who know keep saying congratulations, but I’m not sure that’s in order yet. I’ve never been a general manager, and I’m not sure I know how to be one, or if I’ll be a good one. I do know without my sister, my brother, Tom Mastricola, and my time at alcove, I wouldn’t be close to this point, let alone at it. For those that don’t know, Tom Mastricola is my mentor, who now lives in California. We worked together in 2019, and he not only made me want to be better at what we do for a living, but he made me want to be a better person, a better man. A person who stands up for those who can’t, and lives life with integrity. Working with him was a huge pivot point in my career, and without him, I’m not getting this role. I called him and told him and thanked him. He’s always been the most humble person I know so he didn’t take any credit, but every day I try to lead the way he did, they way he would, and I know the industry is better for it.

There were points in my career that felt like starting over, and many times I wondered if I’d ever make it or if I should just accept I’d be a bartender my entire life. As it turns out, It was coming, I just didn’t know it. When I started at 1928 I felt home, I felt like Kristin was someone who I could work with to not only help build her brand, but build the type of restaurant I wanted to show up to every day. We get closer each day to being exactly where we want to be, and I think this step is one of the last pieces. Restaurants are never done but, as general manager, I can build the team I want, I can get rid of the people who are negatively effecting the environment, and build a place people want to be, both employees and guests.

I don’t know what the future looks like but it was coming all along…

J