You trace your steps back to the start
See the clock there slowing
The hindsight’s been the hardest part
Hurts to see you glowing

‘Cause I remember late September
Your silhouette on blue wallpaper
In the hallway
You drew the line and pulled me under
But do you ever stop to wonder
About me?

All of the things we pulled apart
I let it go, it doesn’t matter
The seasons changed, it broke my hеart
But I will always remember you
Whеn we were dancing in the living room
Oh yeah

God damn maggie, Always hitting the feels.

I have listened to this song probably 45 times already, and I’ll continue to listen to it until idk my head explodes?

When I was listening on my way home from the city I was thinking about how, it’s such a terrible idea to run from your problems, because if you run, inevitably they’ll catch up, you’ll just be dealing with them way later than you should be.

Two years ago when my ex left, and my dog died, and I sold my house, I just ran from all of it, I worked, and worked, and worked. I made it seem like everything was okay, and it really wasn’t. It still isn’t. What’s strange is with the ending of a relationship that was 6 years long, comes a sort of grief. You sort of mourn the person, mourn the life you had together, and move on. The hard thing with grief is that there’s no right or wrong way to handle it, and there’s no timeline. For me I think I used Presley’s death as a way to pretend I had already let be all my feelings that were gonna be about Mia leaving. I focused on the fact that Presley was gone instead, and tried to mourn that. It took some time to mourn that and some days, the grief is still enough to make me nearly drop to my knees. There are days where knowing that dog is gone is physically painful, No one will ever understand. So I ran from the break up and into the mourning of my dog.

It took a while to mourn Presley, a year or so of like very heavy feelings, a lot of overwhelming feelings, feelings of suicide, lost purpose, and self harm. Today I’m at a day where thoughts of Presley are my little joys in life. Today when I was driving into the city there was a huge group of geese in a lane of traffic walking in the direction of traffic as if they were headed the same place as the rest of us, and it made me giggle. Geese drove Presley mad, Birds in general, but she was a gentle giant. She used to chase the chickens in the yard and when she’d finally get one she’d just lay down and try to sniff it, not hurt it, like she was curious, not angry.

Two years later I realized I’ve spent two years running from the grief of the relationship. I realized today that I never took the time to feel angry, or upset, or accept what had happened, I blocked it all. And now I realize I still carry it with me every day, even though I don’t really feel any particular way about her anymore, I do still have unresolved feelings of what happened, and how it ended.

Hindsight has been the hardest part, because I always say if I just knew how she felt, maybe I would have realized I had similar aspirations in life. Maybe I was just stuck and needed help out of the mud. But let’s be real, me telling myself that is my way of coping with that feeling of not being enough. It wasn’t that I wasn’t enough though, it was that I had someone who didn’t wanna go to battle with me, she wanted to battle against me.

I believe in a relationship there’s a commitment to each other, and not just a commitment to not have sex with other people or whatever, but when you enter a relationship, you agree to an unspoken set of rules. The rule is, whatever battle either of you has to face, you fucking face it together. You dont quit, you dont give up. You use each others strength to make it to the other side. This favors my future partner if I ever decide to have one, because I dont quit, I dont give up, and I’m stronger than almost anyone. I can take myself to dark places and make it back ok. I can be forced into dark places and make it out ok. Do I always feel that way? no. Do I sometimes doubt that I can make it? Absolutely.

Dallas Green told me I’m probably stronger than I think I am, and he was right. Because I struggle with anxiety, and depression, and thoughts of self harm, I see myself as weak. But every day I wake up, I face those fucking feelings, every day I battle anxiety, every day I battle depression. Some days I battle the feeling of wanting to harm myself, some days I lose that battle, but never in a way that’s permanent.

I wish I didn’t run two years ago, because the grief has found its way back to the surface. I dont date because my guard is up, my guard is up because I never properly faced my feelings. Two years later it’s time to face them, it’s time to get through the feelings of being abandoned by someone I thought I was going to marry. It’s time to get through the feelings of her leaving me for someone else. It’s time to get through the feelings of not being good enough.

It’s time to remember that her actions aren’t a reflection of me as a person, or as a partner. I was stuck in the mud, and instead of hanging on she left me there. Now I’ve spent two years in the mud alone, but no more. Now we heal. We accept what happened, we recognize the pain it caused, but we dont let it leave an absence of future hope, of future love.

But I will always remember you
When we were dancing in the living room

Stay Well.

J.