I’ve had some depressing thoughts recently, not necessarily more depressing than usual, just more profound. There’s two that come to mind really:

The other day(I may have already mentioned this) I was meeting with my psychiatrist and told her I believe I was meant to live a lonely life, and I do. Now I don’t want anyone to feel bad, I do it *mostly* by choice. I often isolate, and prefer to be alone. I still haven’t read or listened to tom segura’s book, but the title “I’d like to play alone please” describes my life. I like doing things alone, but I also recognize that it’s an unhealthy coping skill. I like to do things alone because if I do it alone I don’t have to ask anyone to do it with me, so I can’t be rejected or let down. The truth is it comes directly from my mom. She always promised me stuff as a kid and never followed through, so I always always had hope every time she promised me something, I’d tell my younger self this is the time she actually does it, but that time never came. As I got older and started working and making money for myself I just decided I’d do things alone, I didn’t need anyone else to take care of me or go out of their way for me. I didn’t need anyone’s help to buy something or go somewhere, I could do it myself. My psychiatrist said “as long as you don’t end up with that lone wolf mentality” I laughed at her and said would now be a bad time to say I’m gonna get a wolf tattoo that says lone wolf? She wasn’t amused. I know it’s not healthy, but inevitably people are going to let you down, so I’d rather spare us the time and heartache.

People always leave. Sometimes I wish I could ask why and get an answer. Sometimes I wish I could ask why and get a real answer too. Even if you ask someone “why’d you go?” 9.9/10 people in this generation are going to make something up. I can handle the truth though, and if it’s something I did I’d rather know the truth so I can be better in the future. I guess most people aren’t really driven to be better people. I could probably explain why my ex left abruptly after 6 years, but I’d be lying if I said there weren’t days where I wish I could ask.

The second depressing thought I had recently was actually on my drive to work today. I was listening to “what don’t belong to me” by Mr. Austin Richard Post. In the song he talks a lot about how he could give a woman everything except his heart, because he’s given pieces of it to past lovers, drunk nights, whiskey, and dark times, so his heart doesn’t belong to him. I guess there’s a positive spin on this depressing thought. But first the negative. I have a big heart, or had. I love with everything I got, friends, coworkers, lovers, you name it. I think there is a part of me that feels like I give too much. So I’ve given pieces of my heart to people over the last decade, and honestly none of them are really around anymore. I lost pieces of me in people that never planned on staying anyways. I wish I knew that then, hindsight makes you softer I guess. If I knew that then I wouldn’t have given so many pieces of my heart out. I don’t regret it necessarily, but I’m at a point in my life where, the number of beautiful people coming into my life is at an all time high. And I don’t mean like looks beautiful. I mean people with character and soul. People that light up rooms with their words and their energy not just their faces. I just don’t have what it takes to give to those people anymore. I don’t have what those people deserve, I lost it all to people who didn’t deserve it. That kinda works out because of the whole lone wolf thing but.. There’s a part of me that wishes I had more to offer because, some of these people.. words don’t describe them.

I started getting tattoos again, and now I have a whole list. I want more meaningful tattoos than I have. I’ll probably get one for 1928, because Kristin has given my life so much meaning and positivity, and I know that as much as I love working with her, it’s not something sustainable for other reasons. This Friday I’m getting my hands tattooed. Roses that say “stay well”. instagram the scatter joy project. They help people struggling with suicidal ideation, and their mission statement is that a rose is perfect in every moment of its existence. Stay well is really just how I feel when I leave someone. We take for granted that we make it home every day, and there’s gonna come a day where we all don’t make it home. If a day comes where I’m gone, I think I’d like my last words to anyone important to me to be “stay well” because life is hard and staying well is fucking hard. But here’s to a productive October, Hand tattoos, volunteer work, donations to the mspca, where I’m going to hopefully sponsor the crate that Presley once laid her angel head in before I took her home.

I love you.

Stay well.

J.