You know, considering the best drink I’ve ever come up with I named the grand optimist, I’m a real pessimistic fuck. I thought about writing this one about the song lover come back, because some parts of that song hold true here, but it would be a false title, I don’t want my old lover back.

October 4th has always been a tough day for me. At least the last two years, it’s the day my ex officially called it quits and for a moment I really broke down. For a moment life paused, and I was stuck in the mud, alone. I have this bizarre thing of remembering little details, and while it’s often a good thing, in these cases it eats dicks. So two years since whoever holds the snow globe my life exists in flipped it upside down.

I think last year when I looked back I didn’t feel like it was good that relationship ended, it wasn’t good I sold my house or my dog died or I wasn’t married. None of these things felt good because I was stuck in the mud, I hadn’t left the house in several months, and come to find out I wouldn’t leave for several more months.

I’ll admit today started bumpy, but I think it ended with a new beginning. Or at least my attempt at one. Two beautiful young ladies came in to the bar tonight and needed seats, I was saving seats for someone else but said fuck it I’ll give them to these girls. Turns out the girls I was saving seats for were friends with the girls I gave them to and that gave me an in to chat with them. Now call me anything you want, but I’ll be the first fucker to admit that if an attractive girl comes in I always try to get them seated first, not for my own personal gain, but in my mind the more attractive women at a bar the more people are going to go to that bar and drive revenue. Tonight, it might have been a little personal.

I know I met this girl before but I couldn’t remember her name or when or whatever. We ended up spending way more time chatting than I should with any one guest, and at the end of the night she asked if she had my number so I gave her my card and told her she could text me. Now if she does will I respond? probably not, however it was a moment where I felt a bit reborn.

It felt like life was beginning again, like I could maybe chat with a woman and see where things go, I didn’t have to put expectations on it or be negative about it. Also I said a couple things throughout the course of the night that her friend literally called me out for because they were smooth, a nice compliment.

I think it just made me realize that there are good people out there who have something about them that’s very special. I don’t believe I’m worthy of a special persons time and energy, and I also think I’m meant for the lonely life.

I explained this to my psychiatrist the other day, and it’s something she wants to “unpack”. But I told her I believe I’m meant to live a lonely life, and she didn’t understand why I feel that way. Honestly I don’t know why I feel that way, but for me personally, I think most of my life I’ve felt both alone and lonely, and I think that’s just what’s meant for me. I don’t say it hoping for pity or because I want people to befriend me. I’,m okay with it, I think it’s where my life is headed and that’s okay.

Stay well,

J