“The shy are frequently thoughtful,

And occasionally brilliant.”

For the most part when I go out to a restaurant, I go to the same place, sit in the same place and order the same thing. They do say humans are creatures of habit. I had tonight off and I thought if I spent it at home I might have some thoughts I’d rather avoid, so I went and sat at the same place I always do. I was greeted kindly by all the staff who said nice to see you again because they see me at least once a week.

Today I was sitting at the bar and I had just finished a bunch of computer work, I looked up and noticed above the bar on a sign was a quote, it said:

The shy are frequently thoughtful, and occasionally brilliant.

I’m not sure where this quote came from but I really had it stuck in my head ever since I left the restaurant. I’ve always been shy, which people these days call introverted, I don’t really care for that word because it feels like it carries negative connotation. I’d rather just say I’m shy, because I think that’s more accurate.

It’s not that I don’t like people or prefer to be alone, it’s that I think growing up around such dysfunction I never really learned social skills and I’ve never really been outgoing. I have one place that I am outgoing, but otherwise if you see me in public I am very much the guy in the corner in the sunglasses keeping to himself.

I’m outgoing at work, and I think it’s one of those things that maybe it’s not that I didn’t learn social skills, but growing up the way I did I never learned how to just be a confident person, or comfortable with myself, so when I started working in restaurants and became really fucking good at it, it gives me a bit of confidence you can argue is delusional. It’s the one place that you could argue I get cocky and a bit of ego.

When I read the quote I felt seen, I felt heard. It was a moment of hospitality that existed without any one employee having to do anything, and I always find things like that special.

I felt seen and heard because I do consider myself very thoughtful, maybe too much so. The shy are frequently thoughtful because the shy are also frequently over thinkers. It’s this absolutely cursed blessing, sometimes I wish I could have a minute of silence, but I’m always thinking. I actually have been struggling with sleep recently because I cant get the thoughts to slow down. I’ve had to listen to a podcast or have some background noise because otherwise I will lay in bed and think until the sun comes up.

I’m tired, but even tired, I’m often a step ahead of most people. At least one anyways. I think I’m reaching a point though, a tipping point in life. Sometimes it feels like when you make yourself available to people too often they take it for granted or take advantage of it. Sort of a kindness for weakness thing. I’m kind but I’m not weak, I’d argue you don’t know someone stronger than me. But really my point is I think I’ve reached the tipping point of making myself less available to people. I always have things I could be doing, so if I make time for you, it’s not because I have nothing going on, it’s because I genuinely want to spend that time with you. I think as someone who almost never takes time off work, in fact someone who usually tries to work extra, my advice would be if I make time for you or offer to, don’t take advantage of it, because one my life is only getting busier, and soon I won’t have time for distractions. Two, I don’t really give second chances with my time. If I set aside time for you and you blow me off I’ll probably just never set time aside for you again, and I won’t go out of my way to ask you to hangout.

Shy people are thoughtful because we think of every possible scenario. Before I ask someone something I think of every answer they could respond with. In fact if I’m asking you a question 9/10 times I already know the answer, I just wanna see if you’ll be as honest with me as I am with you, and if you’re not that’s okay I just don’t have time for that type of energy in my life.

I realized today that being shy isn’t a bad thing, it makes me thoughtful, and arguably brilliant. I also realized today that people who blow me off or take advantage of me being available to them, it’s their loss. No matter where I go I always have someone with me now. Her name is Presley, and even though she passed away a year and a half ago, I have her tags, I have a tattoo for her now, I don’t really need anything else in life.

Ready to admit defeat.

Stay well,

J.