Old man sits at his desk
One year from retirement
And he’s up for review
He’s not quite sure what to do

Each passing year
The workload grows

I’m always wishing
I’m always wishing too late
For things to come my way
It always ends up the same

And I must be missing
I must be missing the point
Your signal fades away
And all I’m left with is noise

So wait up
I’m not sleeping alone again tonight
There’s so much to dream about
There must be more to my life

Alexisonfire is one of my favorite bands, them releasing an acoustic album of some of their old stuff on 9/27 and calling the album death letter feels…kismet

2 years ago today it all changed. 2 years ago today I picked my ex fiancé up from the airport from her trip to Vegas, little did I know what would come when we got home.

As I sit here, alone, two years later, freshly wearing my new glasses because apparently I’m getting old, I really think about the time spent with her, and the time since.

I think I’ve always been a wisher, and while I’m not sure it’s ever too late to wish for something, it does feel like I always get the timing wrong. like it always ends up the exact same way. I don’t think anyone puts more effort into trying to obtain the life they want than me, only for that effort to be….pointless.

Sometimes I sit here and feel like I really am missing the point, the point of life, the point of the decisions I make, the point of surrounding myself with the people I choose to. I guess I know I’m missing the point of life because as I sit here writing this I keep saying to myself “truly, what is the point of life?” Maybe it’s the life I chose to live that has no point to it. Maybe my quiet lonely life is not what life is supposed to be. But for a very hot second there I did see what the other side entails and boy I did not like it.

I never understand the point of bringing people into my life and making myself available to them as much as I do though, they’re going to leave eventually, so what’s the point? Some people leave faster than others, some people slowly back out, like what the new generation calls quiet quitting, which I’ll never understand. Somebody told me I was monotoned today, and for a second I felt insulted, but then I realized that’s very accurate. Whether I’m excited or pissed I sound the same. I don’t understand the quiet quitting of friends because while I don’t look for problems in life I’m also not afraid of them. I have no problem telling someone I don’t want to be their friend or I don’t want them in my life. Maybe it’s because I don’t like to beat around the bush or waste time. I try to be direct and concise. It’s also because if I’ve decided I don’t want you in my life, well I’m an over thinker so, I’ve thought of all the scenarios.. and I don’t like them.

Today’s going to be a tough day. I took the day off of work and made plans in hopes that going out and doing something I wouldn’t normally do would be a healthy distraction from the thoughts and feelings I have around today. The plans fell through so now it’s work even though I won’t 100% be there, or dwell, and it’s been two years, it doesn’t feel like it deserves more dwelling.

So wait up, I’m not sleeping alone again tonight. I’m not sleeping at all tonight.

There must be more to my life, I just havent figured it out yet.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.