It’s been a crazy last year, I’m tryna process still
I don’t even know how I should feel
I got a couple big houses and some whips, maybe three
And I got family members that got bigger egos than me
And I got fans around the world whenever I’m overseas
And I got friends who just pretend and say they love everything
And yes I fell in love again, I thought that shit was impossible
And I promise it’s too rеal for me to care what they think
I promisе I don’t give a fuck because I know who I am
Hatin’ on me undercover, I just won’t understand
Say we’re brothers, call me family, but you act like a fan
2 a.m. in Atlanta, screaming, “Baby, I’m back” (Oh, I am)

I may have micro dosed mushrooms and eaten a steak with my hands on my drive home tonight, so what I’m about to say is either gonna be really good or really bad, but these are the thoughts.

It’s been a crazy last year, a crazy last two years really. Two years ago I was probably closing the bar and going home to my dog. My ex was in Vegas for her friends wedding, fucking another guy, but how was I to know? I don’t regret what happened between us, because in the end it made me a better person, and the fact that I wasn’t willing to change for her, just tells me she wasn’t the one worth changing for. Nonetheless, this time of year brings some demons with it. Luckily I realized today that life can send all the demons it has, they’ll never win.

On my drive to work today someone said they were sorry that I had to work on my day off. My response? I’ll definitely work 6 days this week, maybe 7 and I fucking love it. She said I was a beast in a good way. I said I’m not I just fucking love making people feel good, so even though I didn’t feel great today, I still showed up and hopefully made some guests feel good. I thought about making an excuse not to work but I realized.. When I’m feeling down or not like myself, is when I need to be at work the most. It’s what pulls me out, it’s what reminds me what I’m still here for.

She said it was admirable that I like to make people feel good, but it’s two parted and one part is selfish. The first part is seeing a smile on someone’s face or genuine enthusiasm as you explain to them why casamigos is a piece of shit tequila and they’re wasting their money, that makes you feel good. If making someone smile doesn’t hype you up, you may just be a lost cause. The second part is the selfish part. I do what I do because I know what it’s like to not feel seen or heard. I know what it’s like to have no one, and to wanna give up, when I say give up I mean for good. I know what it’s like to want to kill yourself. To be so done with the life you’re living, and unable to imagine anything outside of it, that you thinking ending it would be a favor to everyone around you. I still have that thought all the time.

I think the world would be a better place without me, I don’t think people would miss me, and I think everyone in my life is better off without me in theirs. I don’t know why I feel that way, it’s just something I havent figured out yet. So spending your life, and what you do for a living on the one goal of making sure people are seen, heard, and never feel alone, well that’s selfish, it just makes me feel a little better. Like less of a burden on the world.

I used to think my past traumas were weakness, and that I was a weak man because of that part of me.. I don’t anymore. I think my past traumas are kinda my super power. If it wasn’t for my ex fiancé leaving me, my dog dying, my parents doing drugs and abandoning me as a kid, well I don’t think I’d be the person hoping everyone is seen and heard. It comes with positives and negatives like anything else, but I think the positives outweigh the negatives.

The positives:

1. I work hard, partly because I saw first hand as a kid how easy it is to lose everything.
2. I care about everyone, even people that drive me fucking nuts, I just want most people to live their best life, and I’m willing to sacrifice my own happiness to make that happen.
3. I overthink, which can be bad sometimes, but it also means I over love, and everyone needs more love, the world needs more love.
4. I don’t treat anyone a certain way because of their financial status, I don’t care if you have $20 in the bank or 20 million in the bank, you’re still welcomed in my bar, and in my world, and I’ll treat you the same.
5. I’ll never take for granted the fact that I have a bed to sleep in, because there’s been times in my life where I didn’t.
6. I don’t give up, I don’t fucking quit. I don’t quit on projects, I don’t quit on people. If you’re a real friend, or as I call my real friends, pals, you always will be, and I’ll always drop everything for any of you.

The Negatives:

1. Sometimes I forget that I’m not living that life anymore, that I don’t have to be in constant fear.
2. The fear of abandonment can make you very needy to some people.
3. Needing reassurance is an ick.
4. I overthink, and over love, and that can be a lot for some people.
5. I regularly think about taking my own life, and it’s a lot, I know it’s a lot, and I’ll never be upset with someone or hold it against them if they cant be in my life for that reason. I’m trying to learn not to be that way but, often times the world feels like it’s ending.

I’ll be honest, a couple years ago when she left, I didn’t think I’d love again, and sometimes I tell myself and others that I’ll never propose to someone again, because that is the most vulnerable I’ve ever felt, and to have someone say yes and then pull the plug at the last minute. It makes you never wanna feel that again. Do I think I’ve loved since? Complicated question. I think the answer is yes, I think through certain people in my life I’m learning what kind of partner I’ll be in my next relationship, almost like testing it before I actually do it.

I realized recently that I’m a lot, and some people probably talk bad about me because of that. I promise I don’t give a fuck though. I’m not holding anyone hostage. If you don’t want to be in my life, your loss bitch. you’re welcome to leave at any time, no hard feelings. I know people with mental health struggles are alot, it’s why I usually don’t talk to a lot of people about them, because even people who love you judge you. Everyone does, the stigmas are very real. I know who I am though and I know what I offer if you’re in my life. If you don’t want to be here I encourage you not to be, because I really don’t have time to waste on people who aren’t going to match the effort.

2 a.m. in Boston, screaming, “Baby, I’m back”

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.