Yeah, this one’s for the losers
The outcasts and the sinners
The ain’t-never-been-no-winners
Let’s hear it for the losers
Ain’t got nowhere to fit in
There’s a place you can always get in (Oh)
You might be lonely, but you’re never alone
You’re right here where you’re supposed to be
Right here with all the losers
The ones like you and the ones like me

I’ve never really felt at home, home was a concept that when out the window in April of ’05. I was 9 and that’s when my parents lost the house from doing drugs, from there it was constant moving. I’ve moved 13 times in my life. They’ve always been places to stay, never really home. Any aspect of each place that made it feel like home was always stripped away. When I bought my house in 2020 I thought it would be the second to last time I moved in my life. The plan was to renovate, stay for a few years, buy something better where we wanted to live and that was that. I’m slowly learning that planning for the future is a waste of time, you have no control over it. That house started to feel like home so I was reluctant to sell it, so reluctant I ruined a relationship over finally after years of running having a place that felt like home and not being willing to communicate that.

It’s funny women always say they want someone who communicates and as soon as you let them in on the little things they see you as weak. I’m not weak, I have feelings but I can also be like every other man and just block them out until I have a heart attack at 45 and drop dead. I’ve always been afraid to tell people how I’m actually feeling because most people don’t actually care, and the few that do see you differently after you say certain things.

I always felt a bit like a loser growing up, some of that still sticks with me, and it’s why restaurants were always my safe space. I started working in restaurants right when I turned 18. A high school drop out who’s been working in restaurants for the last 11 years is definitely seen by most as a loser. Depending on what you consider success to be, I’m not a loser because I make more money than a lot of the people who went to college and will never pay the debt off. While you were studying and partying I was working 6 or 7 days a week, it’s why I was able to buy a house at 24. I had a head start.

When I started in restaurants I was a bus boy making $600 bucks a week. When I became a bar back is when I started to slowly see that restaurants could be my place, my home. Then I became a bartender and everything changed. Not to sound like a boomer but I wasn’t coddled the way I coddle my staff. I showed up to work, had 3 hours of prep, worked 9 hours of active bartending, and then another couple hours of cleaning at the end of the night. When you work long shifts with people like that they really do become your family, and anyone who doesn’t quickly ends up either quitting or getting fired. When I became a bartender I was lucky, I had already spent so much time studying and practicing, that I knew how to make drinks well, do it fast, and do it with a bit of flare to it, only a little. I learned in a way that when I make drinks it all looks like one fluid motion, it’s not clunky, I’m not thinking about where things are, it’s where I live in the moment.

On my bad days I miss bartending, it was the only place I got positive reenforcement, it was the only place people admired me or complimented me, and really it’s the only thing I’m good at. I was never really into sports as a kid. I played one year of baseball and went undefeated because I don’t like losing, but otherwise I’ve become accustom to losing. I’ve never really won anything. Anything I’ve gotten in life I had to bring myself to the edge of giving it all up to get. I’ve reached a tipping point with all the wins I’ve had in my life where it was either, losing everything, or winning one small thing.

I guess as I’ve grown up I don’t like the lonely life as much. I used to not care, I’d spend 7 days a week at work, studying, learning, getting certifications. After my last relationship I realized it’s not healthy and it’s not what I want. I don’t want life to just pass me by while I spend 7 days a week at the same place doing the same thing. Alas, here I am, essentially trying to find a way to work 7 days a week. Work was always my way of ignoring the outside noise, my excuse to not spend time around people. Really I just don’t wanna spend time around people because at some point in time everyone wakes up one day and suddenly doesn’t want to be a part of you life for whatever reason, and I’m sick of losing people for reasons I don’t understand.

For all the people who ain’t ever felt at home
Just spinnin’ on a rock

I haven’t felt at home in a couple years, and even that period of feeling at home was short lived. Maybe home and winning are things I wasn’t meant to have, and that’s okay. I know it’s not worth planning for the future because just because you plan something doesn’t mean it happens, I just wish i could see a couple years ahead, to know if it’s worth continuing.

Some day whether I’m here or not, these blogs will get published in a book, and hopefully they’ll help others not feel like losers.

I’ll find the permanent place, where the skies are gold not gray,

J.