Lonely, I been gettin’ no peace
OD, feel like overdosing
Low key I been looking for the signs
But all I can find is a sign of the times

The weird thing about being lonely isn’t about feeling like you don’t have anybody, it’s feeling like nobody has you. Like there’s no one you can go to and ask for help, and like you’d be too ashamed to ask for it anyways.

As I sit here writing this I gotta be honest, I’m not feeling my best. My mind is broken, my spirit is broken, my physical body feels a bit broken. I’m writing, but I’m broken, and I don’t know what that means.

Maybe it means I’ve reached a little hell. For those that don’t know little hell is the name of one of my favorite songs and albums. A little hell is a sort of trial or tribulation you have to go through to get to the joy in life. I had little hell tattooed on my wrists when I was 18 for two reasons. 1. I can always see it and it’s a good reminder when I’m feeling the way I currently do. 2. sometimes I cut, and putting it on my wrist was my way of saying that’s a place I cant, it would be more obvious with the tattoos, so it was my way of making a weird pact with myself to never cut myself on my arms.

I remember recently I wrote about how a couple people I work with are just empty dudes. They live empty lives, no love. They sleep with random girls and don’t build connections, get fucked up every night, cheat on their significant others, and do drugs. Theres nothing real in that lifestyle. The drug dealer pretends to be your friend because you give him money. The girls sleep with you for the drugs and free partying. Every day you wake up alone and feel like garbage.

Today I was empty, and I think I’ve become an empty person. I think in life when things are hard, or when you get burned enough times is how you end up empty. You lose hope. So many people asked me what was wrong today, and really not much was other than being really tired and a thing or two that weighed on me, but personal stuff really never affects my work mood, I am able to leave that shit at the door and sulk on my own time. The fact that people noticed means I failed the team tonight. My job is no matter how tired, how shitty I feel, how bad personal life or work life is, I show up and keep a positive attitude so the team knows I’m behind them no matter what, and we do everything as a team. They didn’t have that tonight.

In some senses this is me waving the white flag. I give up. Maybe an empty life is better than one full of feeling every bit of everything. I feel like I’ve become a bit numb over the last few days. I know a couple things that would help but they’re not things I can do alone, and I don’t ask for help. Instead I’m going to let life win. I cant keep going the way I have been, so empty is where I’ll remain. It’s been a long time since I had to practice the empty life, but I’m able to train my brain to not care about anything or anyone. I remember when I was 18-20, I didn’t give a shit about anything, and my life was empty. All but one person I slept with in that time meant nothing, no relationships, no cares, just working and the occasional hook up.

This time I’m much older and much wiser, this time I know it’s no cares. Just working and shutting off my ability to be anything to anyone outside of that. I wish I had it in me to ask for help because if I did I bet I could beat this. This time I give up though. Hopeless is where I’ll remain, until we meet again.

Empty, I feel so goddamn empty
I may go rogue

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.