If a tree falls
I don’t wanna hear it
‘Cause if I don’t know
I don’t have to feel it
If I don’t see it going down
Then why can’t I just block it out?
Watching you fall
And I was nowhere near it
But I heard it, and I hate it

How I thought to write of this song, for I believe the second time, is not what I expected. There’s sort of two very different things I wanna talk about.

Part 1.

I was chopping wood today, and while I was doing it I realized that as much as I’d like to live in the city during the week, on my days off the city is kind of the last place I want to be. I spend so much time in the hustle and bustle of it, that when I do have free time the last thing I wanna do is continue that. I love the city, but I also love being outside of it, and being able to walk into my back yard and take a shower, or walk into my back yard and chop wood. I think I realized that I enjoy chopping wood so much because in some weird egotistical sense, it makes you feel like more of a man. Like all this energy and hard work I’m putting in swinging this 10lb axe is going to actually keep my family warm for the winter. It tells me that deep below the noise my caveman brain is still in there somewhere. I’ve always liked doing things to care for people and provide for people. I think it’s what gets me all fucked up when I think about how I won’t get married or have kids. I think I’d be a good dad, and I know I’d be a good husband. I’m sure that comes off a bit cocky but, I’ve spent so much time with myself, learning about myself, becoming self aware, and doing the work that needs to be done that, men don’t do anymore because it’s not seen as manly, and sometimes I don’t like to share with people that I go to therapy or that I write because I think women look at you one of two ways, as soft, or as something so good they don’t think they deserve it. And I don’t think either is true. The amount of violence it took to get here, tells me I’m not soft, and I’d happily defend and protect anyone I care about. I know that I’m not good enough that no one deserves me because despite all the work I’m still human, I still struggle, I still make mistakes. I just know how to be accountable and learn from them. The other night I was on the bar with two of my bartenders and I looked at one of them and said I might say some mean things or get in a bad mood tonight because the person you’re working with is pissing me off, please know that you did nothing wrong, I appreciate the work you do, and if I do speak out of line it has nothing to do with you it’s just my lack of ability to control my anger at times. And she said she really appreciated that I took a moment to recognize it before we continued. Younger service bar Jordan would have just yelled at everyone and been and ego maniac. We’re not there anymore. I do think it’s interesting that the ones who will judge you most for going to therapy or writing are the ones you’re doing it for.

Part 2.

I used to try to ignore my emotions, I used to try to ignore my problems in life, because I felt like if I didn’t acknowledge them, they weren’t real. That led me down a path of darkness and isolation. And while I don’t regret it because what’s the point in regretting anything, I do wish I knew then what I know now. Maybe certain things would be different. Now I’m living the most bizarre live I ever could have imagined. It’s funny how a year ago I was afraid I’d never leave the house again, now I spend maybe 50 hours at home a week, and I’m getting to experience all these things I never thought I would. I met Dallas green, I met John krasinski and Eddie Vedder. I go on all these little adventures, and in the last few months I’ve met some of the greatest humans to ever exist. I know now that I’d rather feel every bit of the pain, and live this life, than block it out and end up stuck again. I enjoy painful experiences in life, because they often offer more beauty than the good times. I’m in the good times now but, they won’t last forever. When it gets dark again I’ll be ready. Like Dallas Says:

“One thing I know for certain, is that the good times, they never last.”

Darling you know I aint got the answers, but I sure as hell won’t surrender, it’s gonna be me and you til the end of time.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.