I’m the tall glass of water you lost in your kitchen
I’m casually cruel like a senior prediction
Most likely to leave at the sign of a fork in the road
You looked just like your father as the news was delivered
Cut a hole in my heart that bled into my liver
I miss being alone when it didn’t mean being alone

And if love was contagious, I might be immune to it
Pain’s like cold water, your brain just gets used to it
I try to keep swimming and keep Dad’s good word in my mouth
Wеll, they’re fighting like dogs in thе town across the river
Over a brand-new crosswalk that won’t matter come winter
Oh Lord, sometimes folks just need something to be angry about
What’re you angry about?

I ain’t bitter ’bout much these days
In some ways, I’m damn lucky to be here

As someone who does cold plunges often, I can assure you, your brain does get used to the cold water. Your brain also gets used to pain. I feel like I just emerged from a storm, one that I battled for a long time, but life feels calm again.

In the last few days I just keep asking what my life is, Thursday, I meet one of my hero’s in music, Dallas Green, a guy who’s songs and lyrics have bailed me out of every shitty thing that’s happened to me in the last 11 years or so. Someone whose songs were at times the only thing making me feel like I wasn’t alone in this world.

Friday I went back to work and I felt energetic and happy and just ready to go. A version of myself I haven’t seen, well maybe ever. It felt so good, and it felt like the weight of the world was no longer sitting on my chest. Like I could breathe again and everything was a little brighter.

Saturday I get an email that at first I think is fake, asking for a reservation for Eddie Vedder and John krasinski. I’m not the biggest Pearl Jam fan but I respect how much they’ve done for music and such over such a long career. John krasinski, come on, a Boston guy, Jim from the office, get the fuck out. So I call the number on the email and sure enough I’m not having a conversation with Emily Blunt’s personal assistant. We booked them a reservation, and it was important to them that they be in an area that had less people, not no people, they don’t wanna be the only ones in a room meant to seat 30, but if they could just have a little extra space. Their security guard texted me when they were 7 minutes out and I said I’d be out front to escort them in as discretely as possible. A big black suburban pulls up and John krasinski gets out and says “are you Jordan? I’m John it’s such a pleasure thank you so much for doing this.”

For a moment I was like what the fuck? did he just introduce himself to me? isn’t it supposed to be the other way? So I sneak them into our back room and they’re the kindest people I’ve ever met, have a totally normal dinner and at the end invite me to sit with them and shoot the shit for a little while. During that time Eddie asked for my information and if I wanted tickets to the show on Tuesday. Today I got an email from pearl jams touring personnel with information about my tickets. He just gave me 4 tickets to a show, they tipped 100%. John said he can’t wait to come back. All of it was mind blowing.

When I was telling the story to my sister today she was like you cant stop smiling, and I just think, I think I might just be happy and I dont really know how to process that feeling because I’m not sure I’ve ever felt it.

I’m used to pain, and cold water.

For so many years life was not super great to me, especially over the last two. It’s been more loss and hard times than anything good. 84 days ago life slowly started to become… Better, bit by bit over the last few months things would just get a little better and a little better. These last few days feels more like what my life was supposed to be like, in comparison to what it has been like the last couple of years. it’s kinda like I got struck by lightning, I just have two people in my life who believe in me, and that belief has carried me a long way, it’s changed me as a person, it’s still changing me as a person.

When you spent enough time in the dark you become friends with it, it consumes you, and you get stuck. You’re negative, your confidence goes away, you doubt yourself. All this bad shit. By no means am I where I wanna be, because there’s still some things I’d change about life, but I think morning is coming. I think the sun is starting to rise.

Now I just need to work on being a better man, probably my favorite Pearl Jam song. The song is about a woman wanting to leave a man but not having the courage. Or being afraid she can’t find a better man. I think for a long time I was the guy people wanted to leave, and now I’m becoming the man that you cant find a better one of.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.