What if I did not love you?
Where would that leave me
Would I wonder through the avenues
Under a pall of misery

Would I be face down in the gutter
With cheap whiskey on my breath
The lonely life of a writer
Whose words could not pay his debts

I should be going to sleep because I just worked 13 hours, and I have to be up early to do it again, but I have this thing on my mind, and I know if I don’t write it down I won’t sleep anyways, so let’s give it a shot.

You know, feeling alone and feeling lonely can be very different feelings, but sometimes I think they overlap. I think the two are not mutually exclusive. Just because you’re alone doesn’t mean you’re lonely, and just because you’re surrounded by people doesn’t mean you don’t feel lonely.

I am both alone and feel lonely. The weird thing about feeling lonely is that it’s not that you don’t feel like you have anybody, but you feel like nobody has you. I can’t think of a single person I could call and be like hey I’m just not feeling right today and talk it out. I think that feeling is harder to get over than the feeling of being alone. Being alone can be really peaceful, but it can also be really fucking isolating.

I think sometimes the people I love don’t love me back and that’s on purpose, it just gives me something to focus on instead of being alone and miserable because at my core I’m just a hopeless romantic, or hopeful maybe.

I don’t consider myself a writer, though I do like to put my ideas into this little machine and post them on the internet. I do sometimes feel like I’ll never have the right words, or the words I want, to say how I’m feeling or explain what I mean or how I see things. Sometimes it feels like the words don’t exist, and sometimes it feels like I just don’t have a wide enough vocabulary to know them.

I think I used to harp on this idea that in the life I’ve lived so far, and what I do for a living, I have to choose. I can either find love and be happy that way and get married like I’ve always wanted OR I can continue to work in hospitality and make people feel seen and heard and maybe a little less lonely.

I’m back to feeling this way. I feel like I’ve chosen hospitality, and there’s really only one person in my life at the moment or one person I can even think of that has been in my life that I would make a priority over hospitality, otherwise work will always come first, and for most people that doesn’t work. For most people they don’t understand what it’s like to love their job, to be excited to go to work every day and create, and help people celebrate or mourn.

We live in a society where everyone wants to punch a clock and collect a paycheck. I think part of this lonely feeling is just not fitting in. I don’t do TikTok, I guess I post a lot on social media but it’s literally posting my job, new drinks, products I love, whatever. Other than that my screen time each day is usually less than 3 hours, and we live in a world where people will spend more time than that just scrolling, I don’t feel the need or desire, I don’t really care what other people are doing, I like to see other bartenders and such because sometimes people inspire me but like, nobody cares about your espresso martini so why post it? Nobody cares about the life you post online, it’s a fake life that you show people in hopes they think you’re living this amazing life that you love so much.

Maybe I’m a bit jaded on society. Maybe I was born at the wrong time. Maybe I need a Time Machine.

What if we became strangers?
Would you notice my face in a crowd?
And could you hear the sorrow in my voice?
Helplessly crying your name out loud

Please don’t, please don’t pass me by
I am alive, oh can’t you see?
That I am pleading for your mercy

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.