You’re the northern wind
Sending shivers down my spine
You’re like fallen leaves
In an autumn night

You’re the lullaby
That’s singing me to sleep
You are the other half
You’re like a missing piece

I have to be concise with this one, I’m on a time crunch, I have to be back at work early to yell at someone.

Have you ever met someone and even though nobody is perfect, they embody everything that you consider to be good in the world? I’ve always loved this song, because I relate to the later part of not feeling good, or good enough. But I’ve been listening to this song for a decade now and I’ve always wondered if I’d meet someone who when I thought about who and what they are, this song would come to mind. I finally did and I found out 75 days ago.

I like to keep numbers and track of things, the little things are important to me so I remember really stupid details like I’ve talked to this person every day since June 23rd. Almost immediately this song came to mind when I thought about her and still does, only it arguably has more meaning now.

The idea of someone being the Northern wind to me is an idea I’ve been diligently chasing for a decade, but has been in my mind since little hell came out in 2013.

I especially think about this song this time of year, because I fucking love fall, and the idea of fallin’ leaves on an autumn night is like.. makes my knees weak. It’s 60 degrees outside as I write this, listening to the crickets. My favorite part of the song may be when Dallas says “if I could just find you tonight” because the woman is is my northern wind always will be, but won’t always be here.

I think there’s something really satisfying about how this played out. To give some background, when Dallas wrote this song it was basically about loving a person who is everything good in the world, and not feeling good enough, or like enough for them, because you are darkness, and all the bad things that come with it.

So I sit here and I listen to the song and only one person comes to mind, and I think it’s sort of fate that, I’ll never be good enough for this person, so I kinda get to live out the feelings of this song I’ve listened to countless times in the last decade.

There’s something humbling about meeting someone and realizing that they are truly what’s right in this fucked up world. That the world hasn’t made them jaded, they’re still kind and light and carry infectious energy. They smile and light up a room, they know when you’re not doing good, they know how to get you out of that. They know the intimate parts of you, the nuances that no one ever knew. They notice the things you always wished someone would but were always too afraid to show.

And then there’s me.

I’m the darkest hour
Just before the dawn
And I’m slowly sinking
Into the slough of despond

Like an old guitar
Worn out and left behind
I have stories still to tell
That are of the healing kind

I’m the darkest hour just before the dawn, I’m the pessimist who cant see that good things have come and more will. I’m the old guitar that gets left behind, which in some strange way I’m okay with. I know I’m not enough for the person I want to be enough for, so some day when I get left behind, I’ll just have the stories of how I healed. And I’ll tell stories about this amazing person, stories that resemble fairytale more than reality. Stories that make people think I’m talking about the beautiful blonde version of big foot. A thing that never existed because I won’t have proof.

It doesn’t go the way I want, and some day it’ll end despite my best efforts, but she’ll always be the one I tell people about when they ask about what love feels like. She’ll always be my Northern wind.

If I could just find you tonight
Oh my love

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.

Looking forward to seeing Dallas in a week. It’s my personal reset button