See the graves as you pass through
From our crash back in ’02
Not one nick on your finger
You just asked me to hold you

But it made you a stranger
And filled you with anger
Now I’m third in the lineup
To your Lord and your Savior

Feels like I’ve been ready
For you to come home for so long
That I didn’t think to ask you
Where you’d gone, so why’d you go?
And you said, “Mhm-mhm-mhm-mm”
And you said, “Mm-hm”

You said my heart has changed and my soul has changed
And my heart, and my heart
That my life has changed, that this town had changed
And you had not

That the world has changed, don’t you find it strange
That you just went ahead and carried on?
And you know I’d say the last time I drank
I was face down, passed out, there on your lawn

Are we all just crows to you now?
Are we all just pulling you down?
You didn’t put those bones in the ground
You didn’t put those bones in the ground

Isn’t it weird how fast things around you can change, and it feels like you haven’t changed at all?

Personally my “crash” in life was a bit later than ’02.. Maybe ’04? But it did make me a stranger to myself, and filled me with anger. It’s kinda weird how when you suffer a trauma, especially one that lasts an extended period of time, it feels like you stay stuck, you continue to be one thing while everyone and everything around you changes. It makes you angry and resentful, because you wanna be moving on and doing new things just like everyone else, but this trauma is weighing you down like an anchor. Odd enough I think it took more trauma for me to no longer be angry.

Sometimes I think I can tell if I’m going to like a song by the first few seconds of it, so I skip it for a while thinking I won’t like it, until one day it plays just long enough to catch your attention.

You know, I can’t say I’ve gotten sober because I’ve never drank. But I have got sober from something in life. I’ve gotten sober from planning to kill myself, and I’ve been sober since October 26th, 2022. I know that’s heavy to read, especially since I only really share this with people I think might care about me, and who I care about. But I’ve been having these strange moments of realization a lot recently, I’ve been healing so much, without even trying, just by going through life I’m noticing the things.

In October 2022 when my fiance left me, I deserved it. Now before any one of you assholes who I love dearly try to argue let me finish. In late September of that year she went on a trip that was like 6 days, her best friends wedding in Vegas, but they had days and days of things planned for the wedding. You know, back in that period of time I was very stuck in my own head, in my own way. I cared only about what made me feel safe and comfortable and really ignored her needs and wants. That’s not a good partner. I was also one of those guys back then who was afraid to express softer emotions because growing up it was instilled in me that if you expressed that you missed someone or that you loved someone or that you were just thinking about someone and hope they’re doing well wherever they are, that you were weak. I don’t believe that anymore, if anything I show those soft emotions too much now. But she was gone for 6 days, and I don’t think I told her a single time that I missed her, that I was thinking of her, that I couldn’t wait for her to come home, or that I wish I was there with her. Instead I kept a bit of distance because I wanted her to have fun without worrying about me.

When she came back and left I’m not sure how or why I was surprised. Her heart had changed, so had her soul. That everything had changed, and I didn’t, I was the same. Always the same.

We’re coming up on two years, and in the last 72 I’ve finally changed. I met someone who reminded me of all the good things. She kinda brought back my spark in a weird way. It’s crazy to think that even after all that hell I went through, it still took almost two years to realize what I’d done wrong, and that whole time I was living based on the idea of being embarrassed of what others might think if I was excited about something or shared softer emotions.

The violence I went through in the last two years made me realize that it’s okay to be soft, to be gentle, and to be capable of also not taking shit, and being able to be violent when necessary. I say violent but I don’t necessarily mean physically, I just mean if you have the ability to stand up for what you believe in and not be afraid of what might come from that, and you still choose to be soft and gentle as often as you can, that makes you a good man. If you don’t have the ability to stand up for yourself and what you believe in because you’re afraid of conflict or what might happen, well you’re kinda just useless, it doesn’t make you a good person if you’re only good because you’re afraid of standing up to people doing bad shit. It makes you useless.

I was pulling her down, but the next woman I date I won’t pull down, because I’m more self aware than I used to be. Now I know how to build someone up, how to support them, how to give them their freedom, and not feel like I need to keep tabs on them and know that wherever they go, whatever they do, they’ll come home to me at the end of the day, because they choose my and I choose them. And I only know that because for the last two years I’ve had to build myself up, and support myself. Give myself the freedom to learn who I am, what I want, who I want, and who I want to choose at the end of the day.

Honey, come over
The party’s gone slower
And no one will tempt you
We know you got sober

There’s orange juice in the kitchen
Bought for the children
It’s yours if you want it
We’re just glad you could visit

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.