Give me something I can handle
A good lover, someone who’s nice to me
Take my money, wreck my Sundays
Love me ’til your next somebody
Oh, but promise me that when it’s time to leave
Oh, won’t you promise me that when it’s time to leave
Don’t forget me

Have you ever had someone come into your life, and you know they’re either going to be there forever, or not for long enough?

I think the way we meet certain people, and the way the relationships progress, are perfectly described in this chorus. I have someone in my life who I spend as many Sundays as I can with. We always do an activity, one she’s excited for and I’m usually rolling my eyes at, but without fail this activity always leads to me being thankful I went, not just for the activity, but because she’s the kind of person I could sit in silence with and I’d probably still be satisfied, which is really saying something, because I like to be alone.

In fact, one of my favorite comedians wrote a book called “I’d like to play alone, please.” and I have no idea what it’s about, I’ve never read it, but I think about the title often. Whenever I want to do something I usually prefer to do it alone. Unless she’s around.

Sometimes I wish she came into my life a different way, but I try to always be accepting that not everything is how you want it to be, and that’s okay. She’s a great friend and she’s nice to me. Sometimes I get lost in that, because people like her, who are thoughtful and intentional are not common in this world. People who give you something small just as a way of saying hey I was out doing this thing with my friend, but I saw something and thought of you so I got it. People like that don’t exist anymore.

Her and I often do activities on Sundays, and she gets annoyed that I always find a way to pay. For me it’s not really about the money, I don’t care about money, and the older I get the less I care about it. But she always convinces me to do these ridiculous things like paint pottery or make a rug, things I’d never do if someone with contagious energy wasn’t saying how fun it’ll be. Me paying is my way of saying thank you, for pushing me, for making me a better person, for wrecking my sunday in the best way possible.

This is a bold claim, but I think she loves me, I know I love her, perhaps in different ways. I have said to her that some day she’s going to date a man who’s not comfortable with out level of friendship, and that I’m okay losing her to that, as long as he makes her happy, because that’s all I really want for her is happiness. It’s not about what I want or what would make me happy, it’s about how much she already brings to my life, and how much of a better person she’s made me that, when that day comes, I’m okay with losing her but only to happiness. I think she’ll love me til her next somebody.

She always argues that if she dates a guy that isn’t comfortable with our friendship then he’s out because I bring her happiness and I’m not worth losing over an insecure guy. At the end of the day most men are insecure in this generation. I’m insecure about things, but never about that. I think most men and maybe people in general have issues trusting people. You’d think I’d be one of them, my parents abandoned me to do drugs, my ex left me for another guy, and still I trust people until they give me a reason not to.

A lot of men cant be in a relationship with a woman without knowing where she is, who she’s with. They can’t accept that she has friends that are guys, but what a lot of men don’t realize is they get defensive and controlling because they’re worried something might happen between her and a guy friend. If it does that guy was never her friend. I can see being intimidated by a guy hanging out with your girlfriend cause let’s face it ladies, guys do shady shit. But you need to trust that the woman you’re with can handle herself. You also need to trust that if that guy is really her friend, he would never put her in a position to ruin something that makes her happy. It doesn’t matter if I have feelings for a woman who’s taken, if she’s happy I’d never try to act on them, because if you really care about someone you just want them to be happy.

Some day it’ll be time for me to leave, and I know she hates when I say that. I actually figured out how much it bothers her the night of her birthday, she was a tiny bit drunk and I said “if we’re still friends in this amount of time” and she said I hate when you talk like that, why do you have to say if. It’s because I know some day something will make her happier than I can, or at least she’ll feel that way, whether or not I think it’s true, and when that day comes I leave, and it’s simply out of respect for her happiness.

Oh, won’t you promise me that when it’s time to leave
Don’t forget me

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.

P.S. It’s been a very long time since I wrote two entries in one day. Also I was asked recently if there’s a celebrity I’d like to have a conversation with and I said no. I take that answer back, I’d love to sit down and drink tea with Maggie rogers.