Drive slowly, I know every route in this county
Maybe that ain’t such a bad thing
I’ll tell you where not to speed

It’s been a long year and all of our book’s pages dog-eared
We write out the ends on our palms, dear
Then forget to read

We didn’t know that the sun was collapsing
‘Til the seas rose and the buildings came crashing
We cried, “Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh”

Everywhere, everything
I wanna love you ’til we’re food for the worms to eat
‘Til our fingers decompose
Keep my hand in yours

I woke up feeling strange today, but at least I woke up. All day I’ve been thinking about gratitude, something I said last night subconsciously triggered it. As a bar manager when I work the bar, I never break down my well, which for those that don’t know, is the station you work out of. Breaking down a well consists of washing all the mats wiping all the bottles and surfaces, getting rid of the ice, putting covers on bottles, washing your tools, etc etc. The last place I worked bartenders didn’t break down wells, and here if I’m behind the bar it’s a favor to the staff and so they break down the bar, I always get first cut.

A long winded way of saying I haven’t broken down a well in almost two years. When I started in restaurants, I broke down wells every shift for the first year and change, then I became a bartender and had to do it a little less and a little less over the years, until not at all. Last night was a long one for everyone, especially my favorite hire, Charlie, she was on a double and it wasn’t time to break down a well until 10:15ish, so she had already been in the building for 13 hours at that point. I said I’d breakdown the well and then she could leave and I’d handle the bar, only for both of us to end up doing last call together and leaving at the same time. But as I was breaking down the well one of the servers asked why I was doing it? My response was true, but it ended up making me think. I said ” I’m doing this to remind myself where I came from”.

Anyone who read yesterday’s blog knows I’m beating myself up because I made two mistakes on service bar, and for me that’s unacceptable. I need to be better than that. So really I was breaking down the well as a form of punishment for those mistakes. But it also helped remind me where I came from.

Today brought me back to that thought process. This time last year I hadn’t left the house in 2 months. All I would do really is chop wood for the wood stove, or rake, but I couldn’t get over my anxiety to leave the house. A year later I’m working full time, my life is back to normal, I go out, I do things. It’s crazy how much can change in a year. And I don’t regret those 9 months stuck in the house, it gave me time to grief and heal, I learned that I hate running but it makes me feel good, I learned that when I’m not feeling my best there’s steps to take to avoid self harming or behaviors like that. I learned what I love, what I want from love, the love I have to give. I learned who I am, all in a year. A year just focused on trying to figure it out led me here. Do I have it figured out? Fuck no. But I am now myself, and unapologetically so. I do things for the people I care about because I enjoy it, I try to take care of the people around me and be a good person. Could I be better? the answer will always be yes, but I’m working on it.

In the last 5 months of being out of the house, I’ve met some great people. I’ve met a person I hope is in my life for the rest of my life. I met a person that made me believe that despite my fiancé leaving me for another guy, maybe I do have the courage to love again. I met someone who knows me better than anyone, which is both relieving and terrifying. In a world where most people just want to be seen and heard, I met someone who makes me feel seen and heard when I need it most. This is also the same person who will be the reason I’m single for the rest of my life, but I’m okay with it.

Things are good, and they’re starting to feel better. The sky doesn’t feel like it’s falling anymore. The panic attacks aren’t as heavy, the anxiety isn’t as heavy. It finally feels like maybe it will be ok. Maybe I can make it. Sitting where I am today and thinking of where I was a year ago, 5 years ago, 10 years ago, despite how bad it can feel when you’re in it, if you take a moment to look at things from a 10,000 foot view, they’re not so bad.

Everywhere, everything
I wanna love you ’til we’re food for the worms to eat
‘Til our fingers decompose
Keep my hand in yours

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.