Don’t take yourself so seriously
Look at you, all dressed up for someone you never see

You’re here for a reason but you don’t know why
You’re split and uneven, your hands to the sky

Surrender yourself

And I wonder why I tear myself down to be built back up again
Oh, I hope somehow, I’ll wake up young again
All that’s left of myself, holes in my false confidence
And now I lay myself down and hope I wake up young again

Hoo, ooh-ooh, hoo, ooh-ooh, hoo, ooh-ooh-ooh
Hoo, ooh-ooh, hoo, ooh-ooh (hope I wake up young again)

Don’t let those demons in again (hm)
I fill the void up with polished doubt, fake sentiment (mm-mm)

Hello again. What a wild week it’s been. For the first time in over a year I worked service bar two nights in a row, it turns out you can’t out run time, my shoulders feel like trash, I’m exhausted, and to be honest, my spirit is a bit broken, but we’re continuing.

After my 13 hour shift where I had to fire someone, call the police on them, and kick a guest out of the restaurant, I returned bright and early to have my dick kicked in for brunch. A normal Saturday brunch that I’ve seen so far is 50 people or so, today we did 120. No host(she’s in jail) 1 bartender 1 server, no busser. It was a bad enough time to break my spirit. A short walk to my car to grab my blundstones to bartend in for the evening and I was in better spirits. First turn went perfect, made about 125 cocktails in 2 hours or so, then there was a lull and boy did I lose steam. That’s kinda where my night ended, but not without a lesson.

The confidence I have is fake. The only time I truly feel confident is when I’m behind the bar because I know I can make good drinks fast. I know I can take care of people better than most, and I know I’m good at what I do. That is all real confidence. Outside of that though there isn’t any.

I’m not confident in who I am as a person, like I think I’m an ok person, but could probably be much better, I’m not confident in my looks, especially after a gentleman called me mustache man last night as an insult. I guess I don’t really know if I care about being confident in those things, but I realized I’m not, but I pretend to be. I think when you’re not confident people think you’re weak or less than, so I pretend to be confident to keep people from bothering me. I use a line often from a tv show and it’s maybe my favorite line of all time, a very confident line, which is: “I may not go down in history, but I will go down on your sister” and so I think I started to get to the root of it.

Part of it is how life was for 6 developmental years, and part of it is just me as a person. Last night one of our servers was talking about how if someone talks shit to them he just fucks their girlfriend, which is a weird flex, and rude. But like when I was 18-20 I very much had that attitude, and that’s when I did my small bit of sleeping around really. At 20 I got into a relationship that lasted 6 years so that ended my ego and effortlessly sleeping with women, and so I think that’s the root of this weird confidence thing.

Sometimes I wonder like am I supposed to have the attitude of if you’re rude to me I’ll fuck your girlfriend? or should I just remain unbothered and uninterested in people who do present themselves to me in that way?

I think for me the idea of chasing girls is a bit immature, and like while I don’t think I’m a great guy I know I’m like okay enough to not have to chase anyone, I’m content enough in who I am that I won’t be wasting my time chasing that, because where does it really get you in the end?

I think more often than not I do go to sleep at night wondering who’s living the more full life? the asshole sleeping with peoples girlfriends, or me sleeping alone? He says he’s always “in heat” which is another thing I don’t really understand. My fiancé left me in 2022 and I haven’t been with someone since, and that doesn’t bother me in the least bit. Just makes me wonder if I’m missing something? If I didn’t get the memo?

For me I don’t waste my time in a “sea of pointless pussy” truly excuse my language on that, but I don’t do it because it’s not what’s fulfilling to me. I have one friend in my life who’s a woman, and knows me better than I know myself sometimes. And honestly the only person who’s ever known me as well as her is my ex, so sometimes I think I get lost in that, but to me that friendship is more fulfilling than just sleeping with women because you can. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe one day I’ll look back with regrets.

Oh, I hope somehow, I’ll wake up young again

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.