I just woke up from a dream
Where you and I had to say goodbye
And I don’t know what it all means
But since I survived, I realized

Wherever you go, that’s where I’ll follow
Nobody’s promised tomorrow
So I’ma love you every night like it’s the last night
Like it’s the last night

If the world was ending
I’d wanna be next to you
If the party was over
And our time on Earth was through
I’d wanna hold you just for a while
And die with a smile
If the world was ending
I’d wanna be next to you

I had a dream I died last night, and it felt real.

I’m sitting here writing this right now, so I’m pretty confident I’m still alive, but what a wild dream. It was so vivid and I remember my last thought before my dream death.

Last week I hugged a friend and she said “hug me like you mean it” and I said “next time”. Every day I take for granted the fact that I get to be here, I think most of us do. I just went out and ran errands and at no time during that did I think, damn I could leave my house right now and not make it back.

Every day I do something or think something and say to myself, I’ll tell them another time, or I’ll do that thing another time. Who the fuck told me there’s going to be another time?

I think this dream scared me into wanting to say all the things I never have, and do the things that I tell myself I have time to do. This isn’t like a I’m going to end my life so the clock is ticking, but I don’t know the future, maybe I live to be 100, maybe I die tomorrow. That level of uncertainty sort of freaked me out.

Dallas Green has a line in a song where he says “Please don’t come to me on my dying day, just you let me go in peace, with all the things I forgot to say, racing through my mind.”

I think a lot of people, when they’re facing a more certain timeline or closer to death, begin to think of all the things they forgot to say, or didn’t have the courage to say.

In general I’m not afraid of dying, but I am afraid of leaving this planet without the people who are most important to me knowing just what a profound impact they had on my life, just how much they kept me going sometimes. I like to think I’m a strong person, I’ve faced plenty of adversity in life, but it wasn’t always me that kept me going. It still isn’t always me that keeps me going. Sometimes it’s the people that doubt me, and sometimes it’s the people who hype me up, and sometimes it’s just me.

That dream made me realize it’s time to change the way I live each day. To remind those who are important to me that I couldn’t have done it without them, to remind those who doubt me, to keep doubting me, because it only makes me work harder.

That dream made me realize that I can have my dream life, I can have anything and everything I want, I just need to keep going, I need to keep working, as Danny Meyer would say: Constant Gentle Pressure. With that I’ll say this:

To those who helped me when I was down: thank you

To those who doubted me when I was down: thank you and also fuck you.

To those who have recently come into my life: I cant wait to keep sharing it with you.

“Most men live lives of quiet desperation, and go to the grave with the song still in them.”

I will not be one of them.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.