Look at me watering seeds, it’s time to grow
I get out of control when I’m alone
If you can make it with me, you can make it on your own

So, quit the bullshit and playing on my phone
We just need some time
Keep watching, let it all unwind
You get yours, of course, I get mine
And in the end, everything will be fine, that’s by design

Well, I don’t trip, but I slip, I fall
Sleep all day, maybe miss your calls
Like I been missing you
Still, I continue, tied up and tripping up
I’m making the wrong decisions, and you’re sick of it all

But don’t leave me, don’t leave me
Because it feel too good to be easy, yeah
It’s been a while, and I’m even different now
Shit, I’ll probably make it better when you see me

Time is a weird thing, like how sometimes it feels like it’s moving fast, and sometimes it feels like it’s moving slow. Hell you have something bad enough happen it doesn’t feel like it moves at all.

Look at me watering seeds, it’s time to grow
I get out of control when I’m alone

You know, I’m good at a lot of things, a bit cocky I know, but it’s true. Or maybe I just don’t do things I’m bad at because I get annoyed by it. Sometimes when I start thinking about something and decide to write about it, it kinda feels like watering seeds in order to grow. A lot of the bullshit I spew is just me trying to understand myself, and hopefully help people not make some of the mistakes I have. The problem with that is I get a little out of control when I’m alone, I’ve always been one of those people who when I’m alone in life, not involved with someone, I start to go off the rails a bit in some form or fashion. I know that’s a bad quality to have because if I can’t be alone and take care of myself how am I supposed to be in a relationship, well I think two brains are better than one. I was born with a defective one and sometimes it just needs a little control alt delete to get rebooted.

It’s funny I got into a bit of a debate about the difference between wants and needs, and how what you want isn’t always good for you, and what you want isn’t what you need. As someone who’s been in therapy for almost 9 years, I know the difference. They’re very different feelings. Sometimes you keep someone in your life because you need them more than you want them. They’re the person that gives you the hype when you need it and can also talk you down when things are getting dicey.

We just need some time
Keep watching, let it all unwind
You get yours, of course, I get mine
And in the end, everything will be fine, that’s by design

Sometimes I think I just need to remember the sky isn’t falling. I just need to keep watching and let it unwind. At the end of the day I think it’ll work the way I need it to and the way I want it to, it’s just gonna take time. Regardless I guess I need to believe that everything will be fine, even though I don’t. The latest reason I don’t think everything will be fine? Death.

I do trip, I also slip, and fall. I think all of those things are part of life. Sometimes you start losing it and get lost in your feels, sometimes you slip up and make a decision you shouldn’t have. Sometimes that decision leads to your fall. Tripping slipping or falling are easy things to fix, just go back to the game film, see where things went wrong, and if you find yourself in that situation again, you’ll recognize and be able to course correct.

It’s been a while and I’m different now, I think, I used to be the type of person that would stay in a relationship or friendship even if there was a lot of conflict because I felt like I needed that thing in my life, but now I don’t really give a shit? I mean I give lots of shits about lots of things, but if something isn’t benefiting me, working out the way I want it to, or gets to a point where it’s bad for me, I have no problem walking away. Will I be sad? of course but I think that sadness will probably fade faster if you don’t stay in the situation.

Time is a weird thing, it’s moving a little too fast for me these days, I’m not ready to give up some of the things I’m needing to in the coming weeks, but it’ll help things fade faster.

Show me my silver lining.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.