I spent the whole day in my head
Do a little spring cleaning, I’m always too busy dreaming
Well, maybe I should wake up instead
A lot of things I regret but I just say I forget
Why can’t it just be easy?
Why does everybody need me to stay?
Oh, I hate the feeling.

Something’s come over me. A wave of depression perhaps. I feel like I’ve been living in my head too much, unfortunately I can’t take a vacation from it. Sometimes the thing I think people who don’t have mental health issues don’t understand is that when I joke about killing myself, which isn’t funny and I should probably stop joking about I don’t mean it. I just mean that I don’t want to continue living the way I currently am in the way I feel. I want this feeling to die so I can go on to feel other things, maybe better things.

I’ve been thinking a lot about people needing me to stay recently, friends, colleagues, the whole thing. I feel like, I can’t be everything to everyone, and still be who I need, so now we’re deciding what I can’t be. This idea is hard for me because I’m a people pleaser, so I don’t like to hurt people, or make them feel like I’m letting them down, but at the end of the day I’m going to let everyone down at some point or another and sometimes it feels like doing it sooner than later is like ripping the bandaid off.

Fall is coming, I think I like to change with the seasons. September 22nd is the first day of fall, and for me that means change. What change? I’m not sure I can share yet. I think I’m taking the time between now and then to figure out what changes make sense for me to make, professionally and personally, to better my quality of life. Somewhere in there is probably a selfish decision or two, but we don’t choose our feelings, we only react to them, right?

I guess some people do spring cleaning, but personally I don’t care for spring, I clean in the fall and then enjoy the winter. Spring just means warm weather is coming and I hate that shit. I like cold and spices. Hell I like them so much I launched a cocktail menu a month early because I’m ready for that vibe. I also like to change the cocktail menu because I like to change the names of the cocktails, some of the cocktails will remain on the menu, as a reminder, of people in my life, and that were in my life, and some day might not be in my life, but when I see an order for that drink I always think of that person. It’s like smells, sometimes smells are associated with a person. Sometimes you smell something and it’s the thing someone smells like, makes your heart skip a beat, butterflies in your stomach, and they’re not even around. The way the brain associates smells with feelings and people is so strange to me, but sometimes that smell eases the hardships of the day. The days have felt harder recently, and I’ve resorted back to old ways and unhealthy behaviors, but some day the battle will end, one way or the other.

Good news, good news, good news
That’s all they wanna hear
No, they don’t like it when I’m down

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.