I cut the rope and you fell from the tower
I let it go for my peace of mind
Bit the bullet, it didn’t hurt
But I still hate the image of you kissing her
Chalk it up to “it’s all for the better”

And I bet you’re at her place right now
You’re taking off your shoes, she’s lying down

Tell me, is she prettier than she was on the internet?
Are your conversations cool, like are you even interested?
I know what you are, brighter than the stars
Tell me if she takes you far
Far enough away from all the baggage you’ve been carrying
Up another hill to all the girls who’ll help you bury it
They’re just blowing smoke, I’ll say what they won’t
I know everything they don’t

I hear your voice like a boom in my tower
I sleep alone, I’m completely fine
And you look stupid going out
If she’s got a pulse, she meets your standards now?
You feel nothing and yet you still let her

But I bet you’re at her place right now
You couldn’t point her out in any crowd

Have you ever met some who wanted to have their cake and eat it too? To be honest I’ve never really understood that expression, but it feels fitting for this.

Sometimes, I think I want to have my cake and eat it too, I say I think because I’m not sure if that’s the correct use of those, and I won’t go down in history, but I will go down on your sister. Hahahaha that last part is a quote from one of the greatest shows ever.

Anyways, I got a friend, a woman. She is probably top 3 people I’ve met in life. I’d have to really think about it to give you an exact number, but you get the idea. She’s everything you could want in a friend, or a partner, which is where things get hard right? Sometimes you have these feelings for more when someone else doesn’t, and that’s okay, I think rejection is actually really healthy. I also think if most men were turned down they’d slowly exit the building, but she’s one of a kind, so I’d rather have her in my life as a friend, than as nothing at all, I’m not sure if that’s delusional, or mature, but it’s where we are.

You know, I’ve had a lot of people tell me what a great person I am, blah blah blah, and I’ve never really believed it, because most people don’t have the heart to tell you when you’re fucking up, we live in such a fake world, where no one says what they’re actually thinking, everyone pretends to like everyone, everyone has lip filler and botox and so on. I’m sure I already sound jaded but give me a second it’s going to turn around.

People love blowing smoke these days, and I don’t mean that literally. People love to tell you you’re doing great, or you’re a good person or anything positive. They’re afraid to just tell it like it is, and it’s a giant fucking waste of everyone’s time. Maybe I’m confident enough in myself that I can handle the truth and some people cant?

If I ask you on a date and you say no, do you know how sad I’m going to be? Not at all, just say the truth. I can handle it, I’m a big boy, and it doesn’t bother me at all? Maybe that’s strange.

Anyways. Here’s our turning point.

So, I said this lady is cool yea? Well have you ever met one of those people who makes you want to be a better person, who’s energy is infectious, who you vibe with and pushes you out of your comfort zone in a good way? All her.

Thursday is her birthday, her and some of her friends are going to come to the restaurant for dinner. I like to ask questions when I meet people to later use the answers to to make life a little better. The first time we ever hung out we went bowling, and I asked a few questions that I knew I’d need the answer to, when her birthday came, regardless of friends or whatever. I asked her favorite flower, her favorite colour, and her favorite dessert. Before we’d hung out that day in a conversation weeks before she mentioned having dinner with her friends at 1928 for her birthday. So I needed to find out these answers without making it obvious, when you’re bowling 2 months before you’re birthday the last thing you think someone is doing is asking questions to be prepared for your birthday, thats what makes it so hospitable.

So today I had to run some errands, one included driving to methuen, to get her favorite cake from her favorite bakery. Methuen is where I owned a home and lived with my ex for 3 years, but in late 2022, early 2023, it’s also where my life fell apart. It’s where I lived where my ex left, it’s where I spent some of the hardest nights alone of my life, and it’s where I lived when my dog died. I only stayed in the house for like a week after my dog died because if we’re being honest, if I stayed any longer alone in that house I would have killed myself.

Needless to say, I haven’t been back to methuen since I left that day, and going back today I didn’t think I was ready, I thought I was going to have a lot of anxiety and weird feelings. I almost didn’t go, but the bakery isn’t delivering this week, so there’s only one way to get her favorite cake from her favorite bakery.

I went to methuen today for the first time in much over a year, and I didn’t feel any of the feelings I thought I would, I actually felt totally fine, but I never would have done it for myself, or forced myself to at some point.

I feel like I bit the bullet today, and it didn’t hurt. I went, got the cake, drove back to the city, it wasn’t anything like it was in my head.

Tell me if she takes you far
Far enough away from all the baggage you’ve been carrying
Up another hill to all the girls who’ll help you bury it
They’re just blowing smoke, I’ll say what they won’t
I know everything they don’t

She takes me away from the baggage, but sometimes she also makes me face it, she says what other people won’t, and she knows everything other people don’t. In fact she’s the only person on the planet I’ve ever told my one insecurity to.

I think the moral of the story is two things.

1. Not everything will be as bad as it seems in your head.
2. Just because you feel for someone in a way they don’t feel for you, doesn’t mean you can’t have a friendship that brings a great deal of value to your life.
3. Sometimes the hard part of having someone who brings value to your life only be your friend, is knowing that you’re growing in ways that are going to make you the best partner to someone at some point, and they’re the ones that made you that way, so they deserve to be on the receiving end.

I know what you are, brighter than the stars.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.