Ooh, you think you’ve seen it all
Walkin’ ’round the city with the sun at your back
You think you’re so cool
‘Cause everybody knows you, but what’s so good about that?

Every little thing’s up for takin’
Oh, it makes me wanna sing, my heart’s breakin’
Oh, there ain’t no diamond ring you could buy me
To take me home

Oh, ’cause I’m
So sick of dreamin’
Oh, and I’m
All that I’m needin’

If you think that life without me’s like a heart attack
Take a long look in the mirror and be good with that
Oh, ’cause I’m
So sick of dreamin’
Yeah, yeah, yeah

You know, for someone who doesn’t sleep much, I am actually very sick of dreaming. Both literally and figuratively. I think I might be one of those people who’s never satisfied, and then like you have that one goal in mind and you’re like once I get that, I’ll be good, and then you get it and you’re like well… That didn’t solve anything.

My day dreams and my actual dreams are about the same things. In my professional live overall I’d say I’m content. I am beginning to make a name for myself, there’s some opportunities with our PR company that could lead to me being published in a couple of things, and doing a tv segment. Personally I think I have a face for radio so the tv thing makes me very uncomfortable, but I still agreed to do it if the producers of the show are interested.

My personal life feels empty, like a waste of time, like it’s never going to be what I want it to be. Speaking like that, thinking like that probably doesn’t help, but again I sorta grew up knowing like I’d never be the person who has everything they want, so I guess I have to accept that being content in my professional life means being uncomfortably dissatisfied with my personal life.

I think I know a guy who seems to have life by the balls, and while his lifestyle seems a bit empty and broken to me, it’s what makes him happy, and I always look at people like that and wonder. How did that scumbag get all the things he wants in life? I must have been a scumbag in my past life, or be a scumbag in my present life if that guy is living a better life than I.

I do wish I was one of those people who only needed me and could get by, but sometimes my brain gets a little weird, and I feel ungrounded, so having a strong connection with someone is something I’ve always longed for because it makes me feel grounded. It makes me feel like I can achieve anything, which I know is delusional, but we’re all delusional in one way or another. But I believe having that right person in your life where you’re pushing each other in a good way, and consoling each other in a good way, that sort of life partner, I believe that makes all the difference, I should know I thought I had that once upon a time. To be fair I did have it for a while, and I fucked it up, and I guess this is the punishment for that.

To be fair, I wish there was a diamond ring I could buy you to take you home.

Oh, ’cause I’m
So sick of dreamin’

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.