The radio is taunting me
Every song a minor key
And I don’t get much sleep most nights
I’m seeing you in every dream
If only I could wake you up
If only I could fall asleep.

You know, I fucking love Noah Kahan, which is honestly shocking, maybe I’ve grown to have some patience for country adjacent music. I laughed a new cocktail menu yesterday, and I named one of the drinks after a song on this album. The first time I wrote about this song I had the version with Kacey Musgaves in my head. One day I heard the version where it’s just him and this verse really resonates.

Thursday was a bit of a weird day, vibes were off as the kids would say, and so I didn’t sleep a wink Thursday night. Last night I slept about 2 hours, I worked 12 hours on Thursday and 13 yesterday, so the sleep to work ratio isn’t great this week. The lack of sleep recently has made me start to wonder why I’m suddenly having such trouble sleeping, a problem I used to have years ago. I’ve narrowed it to a few things.

The seasons are about to change, and I mean that literally, we’re a month away from fall, and also not to sound like an asshole, but mercury is in retrograde.

When the seasons change I feel like I change with them, the change in weather changes my mood, changes my perspective on things, it changes a lot for me. When mercury is in retrograde it feels a little bit like someone is torturing me slowly. But not every time, maybe mercury being in Leo doesn’t bode well for me, who the fuck knows.

What I do know, is that usually when we’re coming into fall I change in a good way and I’m excited, this year I’m a bit hesitant, I don’t know if I’m ready for fall, or for change. As of the last few months I’ve been trying to embrace change to figure out who I am and what I want out of the next chapter of my life. Sometimes the chapters feel like they change with the season and if that’s the case there’s some change coming, and I just don’t feel ready. Maybe it’s because some of the change coming I’m not necessarily looking forward to, which doesn’t make it a bad thing, I think I’m just a bit conflicted with where I’m at and where I wish I was. Being where I want to be is going to take time and patience, neither of which I have.

I’ve never really had patience in life, I can be really patience with guests or staff at work, but other than that like, if there’s a line for something count me out. I don’t wait to get into restaurants, I don’t wait in line at stores, I don’t have the patience.

I don’t think I have the time either, I told someone recently I was going to go see a psychic because some weird feeling is telling me my time left is limited. I’m not sure where that comes from, I’m healthy, exercise, blah blah blah, Something just doesn’t feel right.

Sometimes it feels like I spend all my time and energy making other people feel better, or trying to make other people happy and feel better just in like general life, that I don’t always have the energy to do it for myself, actually I almost never have the energy to do it for myself, part of that is knowing that I don’t know what makes me happy outside of making other peoples lives a bit better. I don’t really put a ton of energy into my happiness, because it’s always felt fleeting for me, and sometimes the things that I think would make me happy, aren’t things I can have, so I’ve learned to just be okay with not being okay. I do put energy into being a better person for the people around me, which I think sometimes goes to my head. Today my parents called me to tell me there’s gonna be a protest in the Boston commons where women march with their shirts off because it should be legal for a woman to walk around shirtless. My mom said “your dad would kill me if I left the house shirtless” and I said “because dad is controlling and insecure” Turns out he didn’t like that much. I don’t think I was wrong though. I don’t try to have control over any aspect of anything my partners do in life because if you want to leave then leave, I don’t need someone in my life that doesn’t want to be here. It doesn’t mean I don’t want you here, but if you don’t want to be here I can learn to be ok with that. I have before and I’m sure I will again.

I’m insecure too, but I only have one insecurity in life, and I’ve never told anyone, and I’ve never said it out loud. It’ll probably go to the grave with me, maybe it’ll even be what kills me.

I’ll love you when the oceans dry
I’ll love you when the rivers freeze

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.