Oh well, who was I?
Who was I to watch you wilt?
You ain’t gotta tell me what it means
Trace the outlines of your dreams
You’ll always be a flower on my skin
And the pain that I am in
It’s all the same
The losing touch, the waiting game
You cross that county line
I promise to be there this time, alright?

You were a work of art
That’s the hardest part

Howling like dogs in the light of the moon
Holding our breath after 1:32
You asked me why I wasn’t sayin’ a word
I’m namin’ the stars in the sky after you

It was a work of art
That’s the hardest part

To spiral out, to try and float
To see a friend, to see a ghost

I’m sitting here waiting for clarified milk punch to strain, so I figured I have the time to write and get some of these never ending thoughts out of my brain.

It’s hard to exist knowing that you and someone else have different needs, and maybe it’s just a timing thing, but for now that timing doesn’t fit. It’s hard because you watch them make mistakes, or bad decisions, when there’s a good one right in front of them. I think watching someone you care about make bad decisions is one of the hardest things to see, and can be shockingly frustrating.

I talked with my psychiatrist the other day about how I’ve been more irritable the last week or so, and she asked why and I really didn’t have an answer, I just knew the irritability was causing my baseline anxiety to be higher than usual. I think last night I sort of figured out that I’m more irritable because life isn’t what I want it to be, and I’m not where I want to be.

Something I’ve always struggled with is patience, I don’t have any. When I want something I usually want it now, and that’s not always the way life works. You also don’t get everything you want. Being the youngest child I think I can be a bit of a brat when I don’t get my way. At least being self aware counts for something, eh?

Well I think I’ve made a decision, and that decision is I’m done waiting for life and waiting for people, and holding onto hope that might not be there. You know it’s funny, I have “hope for now” tattooed on my chest because there’s been so many times in my life where hope was the only thing that kept me going. There are still days where hope is the only thing that keeps me going, and hope I no longer have.

I have dreams that I sometime have a hard time making myself believe, but I’ve come into this new found self worth and so I know I can get the things I want, and I don’t need to be patient, I can have them now.

The only thing with having the things I want now is, it means I’m going to have to let go of some people and some things in life that I care about. I’ve never really been a good at goodbyes person, but the time has come where I need to remove people from my life, that I don’t want to, but have to.

Sometimes having someone in your life is easier said than done, just because you care for them and enjoy talking to them, doesn’t mean your dynamic is good for your mental health, and I can’t risk taking steps backwards after how far I’ve gone with my mental health.

I guess at the end of the day no one is in your life for good, and some people were never yours to have in the first place. Letting go will be hard, especially timing wise, but we’re 3 weeks away from being much busier than we currently are, so I’ll have the distraction of work, to ease the sorrow.

To see a friend, to see a ghost.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.