What makes them walk away, after all these years?
These years of learning and the hard way by the lessons from the tears
I know it’s not a game
But it feels like losing when someone you love throws you away

I’d fix it
I’d fix it
I’d fix it
I’d fix it if I could
And I’d always win
I’d always win
So you can always win the in end

When someone you love leaves you, especially a bit unexpectedly, it feels like losing, but it doesn’t feel like losing a game. It doesn’t have to be a game to lose, unless you consider life as a whole a game, I mean I know there is an actual board game called life, but I’m talking about the one we’re all living right now.

Life is full of constant loss, and some wins too. I haven’t been keeping score, though I wish I had. Most days it feels like I’ve lost more than I’ve won, which I’m personally okay with, losing builds more character than winning does. I’d say too much winning can really turn you into an arrogant twat, and I wish I had the English accent to say that appropriately. I think in my personal life, I’ve definitely suffered more losses than wins, and in my professional life I’ve won way more times than I’ve lost. Maybe that’s why when I’m at work I’m my most confident, which can make me seem like an arrogant twat. Not pompous, but arrogant. In October of 2022 began a string of losses for me, that ended April of this year. October 2022 someone I loved threw me away, it’s interesting my brother recently went through a break up and my dad was asking me about it today, and he asked if one week after my ex fiancé had left, if she came back would I have worked it out, and without question I said yes, almost before he could finish his sentence. Then he asked what if she came back after a month and I said absolutely not. Those 3 weeks showed who she actually was, why she actually left, and that she lied to me about all of it, so after a month I knew I was better off without her. It didn’t make it any harder, and in hindsight, I’m happy it happened because I’d never be who I am today, and while I’m still a work in progress, I’m happier with this version of myself. She left two months before the wedding, and if you know anything about me, you know I consider the little details in life. So in November I had another gut punch when our 6 year anniversary passed, another when my birthday passed and I spent it alone for the first time in 6 years, another when our wedding date passed in December, another when her birthday passed in December, another for Christmas, and one final one to end 2022 with a real bang, the day after Christmas when I found out my dog had lymphoma. I think that was the one that really changed me. To be honest in 2022 when she left, I was 26, I didn’t know if I was ready to get married, or if this was the right person. It just felt like we’d been together so long, bought a house, had a dog, that the next logical step was marriage. I didn’t propose because I felt like I couldn’t live the rest of my life without her, I did it because it felt like it was time to shit or get off the pot.

Going into 2023 I was anger about pretty much every aspect of my life. I didn’t like my job, my fiancé had just left, my dog is dying, and I’m selling my house. When I get angry I don’t just sit there and accept it, I decide what I want and I go fucking get it, arguably anger is to thank for all the successes I’ve had over the years, and maybe that’s unhealthy, but I don’t really give a shit, it works for me. So I stepped in 2023 with the mind set that I was gonna go get what I wanted and nobody was going to stop me. By early February I had a new job at a place that felt more like it would take me where I was looking to go, mid February I’d celebrate the fuck out of Presley’s birthday, because I knew it would be her last. Late February, exactly 3 years to the day since I had bought a house with my fiancé, I put my dog down. I didn’t take any time off of work to mourn. I put her down Monday at noon, Tuesday by 3 I was back to work. The 27 hours in between I sat in silence, and in the dark. I cried, I got angry, I broke things, I officially knew what it felt like to be broken. All the shit I had gone through to that point was such a small problem in comparison. My parents leaving my as a kid to do drugs? Easy. Getting fired from a job? Easy. Watching my parents live homeless and my dad go to prison? Easy. My fiancé leaving me out of no where over night for another guy? Easy. My dog dying? The hardest thing I’ve ever experienced. I’m still angry about it, I still cry about it. I’m starting to cry right now thinking about her. Sometimes when I cry about her I find myself laughing at the same time. The tears are just unexpressed love I never got to give her.

So what’s the point in telling this story?

Well, this song made me think a bit, about how I know a couple people who recently, out of absolute left field got dumped by their significant other. I like to think I give good advice in these situations, especially since I went through it, but sometimes it feels like there’s no advice to give. Me being me I just want to be able to fix it for them, make them be able to wake up one day without the pain and bitterness I know they feel.

Especially one. The fact that the guy dating her left her still has me confused, and it’s seemingly been a couple months now. How the fuck does that guy even get that girl? And then to throw it away? In the grand scheme she’s going to live a much happier and fulfilling life without him, but it doesn’t mean it’s easy to deal with or easy to process.

When I decided to listen to this album today I didn’t expect any of this to come up, but all I wish is that I could fix it. Not fix her because she’s so far from broken, she’s one of the most complete, and well put together people I’ve ever met, but to just be able to fix the shitty problems that people inevitably have to face.

Watching people experience pain that I’ve experienced actually just causes me more pain. I think the strongest thing about me is I wish I could take away people’s pain in situations like this, not because they cant handle it, but because they don’t deserve to, and I’m not saying I deserve to, but I’ve learned to lose and accept loss better than anyone I know, and I’d rather lose than let others lose.

I’d fix it if I could,

So you could always win in the end.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.