It might not be the right time
I might not be the right one
But there’s something about us I want to say
‘Cause there’s something between us anyway

I might not be the right one
It might not be the right time
But there’s something about us I’ve got to do
Some kind of secret I will share with you

I need you more than anything in my life
I want you more than anything in my life

Who the fuck thought I’d ever be writing about a daft punk song? Not me.

My mind has been more active than usual today, I think the lack of sleep last night has made my brain just keep running, like the day rolled over and the thoughts never had a chance to stop. Sometimes I feel like when I get to sleep it’s a break from the thoughts, and when I wake up again it takes a bit of time to get the wheels turning again, like a steam train starting from a complete stop.

Last night I didn’t sleep so this trains just been rolling for the last 36 hours. I tried going for a run to get it out, because I’ve been a bit angry today, but it only got the anger out, it didn’t make me tired.

Time has never felt like something that’s been on my side, but then again it’s never felt like “being the one” has been on my side either. That’s okay though I’m not sure I believe in the one per se. I do however believe in timing, I think timing is everything, and I think everyone comes into your life at the exact time they’re supposed to, and as time goes on things happen exactly as they’re supposed to.

At some point in every relationship with a person, there comes a tipping point, I think at some point with everything in life comes a tipping point, which way you end up isn’t really always up to you, but you reach that point, and you can usually feel it coming.

I can’t believe it’s august, we’re a little over a month out from fall. Sometimes it feels like life changes with the seasons when you life in a place like Boston. So we’re a little over a month out of a new season of life, literally and figuratively. What’s in store for next season? I have no idea. I know some people will no longer be in my life, and new people will probably take their places, as that’s the way life works.

For me I think fall is where I really turn into a cliche romantic. I like all the activities of all as embarrassing as that is to admit, The driving to look at the changing leaves that I cant really see because I’m colour blind, the hikes because you can catch a 65 degree sunday afternoon and enjoy a walk in the woods with some freshly oiled red wings and a denim shirt. Going apple picking, more for the nostalgia than anything, though I do know how to make pie from scratch now. I’ll pick the one day to drink a warm cider because I hate hot drinks but one time in the fall I drink a hot cider and one time in the winter I drink a hot chocolate. Again I think it’s more about the nostalgia than anything.

Growing up I did these things every year with my sister, then with my ex fiancé, and now I haven’t done them in a couple years and I look forward to doing them again, though this year I think I’ll be doing it alone. I’m not mad about that, I’m growing to enjoy doing things alone, something powerful in doing things alone instead of with people who only have time for you when it’s convenient for them.

I think recently I’ve realized I’ve made myself too available to some people, and I’m slowly becoming comfortable enough in who I am to know that I don’t need to do that, because if someone only makes time for me when they have nothing else to do, well fuck them. It’s their loss, not mine. I’ve never been one of those people, when I care about someone I make time for them whenever they need me to, and I think that can make you seem too available or sometimes desperate. Let’s face it, I’m neither of those. So I think I’ll be limiting the time of mine I offer to people, especially if it’s not time that brings me happiness or peace, because too much of my time is spent taking care of other people to do it during my free time too.

I’ll admit I signed up for this life in some sense, I fucking love taking care of people, I love remembering little things about people and being able to show them I was thinking about them. It’s literally what I do for a living and I love it every day. But why spend time taking care of someone who only gives you the time of day when they feel like it? Look I’m not saying I need constant communication because honestly, I don’t, a lot of times I don’t have time to sit there and text all day, but I make the time for the people that matter, and if you don’t do the same we’re not on the same page and it doesn’t make sense for you to be in my life.

One person I know won’t be in my life much longer, which is disappointing but may be necessary, we’ll see soon enough.

I’ll miss you more than anyone in my life.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.