I don’t know why I am, the way I am, not strong enough to be your man
I lie, I am just lowering your expectations
Half a mind that keeps the other second guessing
Close my eyes and count

4:26AM.

It’s been a good while since I had a truly sleepless night, not sure I missed it.

Not strong enough feels like a fitting title, because most days I don’t feel strong enough for this life. It’s my own fault I feel this way, I think as a kid when my parents went off and did their thing, it changed something in me. It made me this person who feels too deeply about everyone and everything, because I was afraid anyone may ever feel the way I felt knowing my parents chose to do drugs instead of raise me. They raised my siblings, but not me, that always stood out to me.

The other part of feeling too strongly comes from being bullied as a kid, I think for the first, 20ish years of my life, I felt so many bad things that it only made me want to be the person in everyone’s life that made them feel good things, but eventually I learned I couldn’t be everything to everyone, and some days that weight is a bit heavy.

I think in this life I often break my own heart, and then try to put it back together, but I don’t know that it’ll ever be in one piece again. I’ve always tried to live with a comfortable distance from people, because nothing feels like it’s for life, so you need to learn to be content with loneliness.

Half my mind really does keep the other second guessing, it’s very much the angel and the devil on my shoulders, one part of my brain says I can accomplish anything, I can have whatever I want in life because who the fuck is going to stop me from taking it?

The other tells me I’ll never have what I truly want, and the sooner I accept that, the sooner I can have some level of peace in life. I think both are probably right to some degree. Nobody gets everything they want, but you have to take the time to reflect and decide what’s most important, if you can only have one or two of the many things you want in life what are they?

For me it’s success and the love of a good woman. I’m not sure I know how to love anymore.

Life ebbs and flows and so do I, I think I’m reaching one of those points where I began to find that distance from people, being to self isolate a bit, in hopes of protecting any hope I have left. I know it’s not a healthy thing to do, to live in isolation, to live alone, to distance yourself from people who mean a great deal to you.

I think the hardest lesson I’ve learned in life, and one I’m still not sure I accept is, sometimes you need to hurt people you really care about, in order to protect yourself. For me that’s hard because I’m not selfish, I’m a pleaser, so it’s the opposite of my natural way of thinking and feeling, but if I don’t learn to do it, how much longer will I be able to think and feel? Sooner or later those nerves catch up to you.

Maybe I’m not as strong as I once thought I was.

As Tommy Shelby would say: “I’ve learned something, there’s no rest for me in this world, perhaps in the next”

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.