Everyone wants everything.
No matter the cost, we’re longing to live in a dream.
But we can’t let go to all that we think we know –
This great escape until we give up the ghost.

But why are we so worried more about the hurry
And less about the harm?

Always trying to conquer
That which does not offer
Anything more than a broken heart.

Oh, what a cost for love.

I only want oh, simple things –
Mourning the lost and what could have been.

Welcome back. I have to be honest, my last post was so good that I didn’t think I’ve ever start typing again. I also never saw the day where I’d think my writing was worth a damn or good, so here we are I guess.

I think when I first started this late last year I really wanted to write, so it felt forced at times. Now I have things I think about naturally and wonder what it would look like to write those thoughts down, so it feels more organic. I don’t know that I’ll stop or continue. All I know is right now I have this thing on my mind that I think is worth trying to get out of my mind.

I don’t know about you, but some days I long to live in a dream, and some days it feels like I’m living in that dream. Recently I’ve been longing for this dream life, buying a home, finding a partner, opening a restaurant blah blah blah, some days the dream is to just be left the fuck alone, so I find it hard to long for a dream life if you’re not even sure what that dream life looks like.

I do have trouble letting go of all these things I think I know in life or about life, truth is every day we’re just figuring it out, but some days we think we have it figured out. I remember when I thought I had it figured out, and looking back, hindsight is a fucker, you know?

Late 2019 is when I started to think I had it figured out, I was working at Gustazo with my mentor, He was bringing me into management and I knew I was about to become one of the best. My girlfriend and I at the time were looking at houses to buy, things felt good. We closed on our house February 27th, 2020. I was 24 and beat my goal of buying a house before I was 25. Everything was working just as it should, then the pandemic hit, and I wasn’t even a little mad about it, it meant I had some time to do the renovations we wanted to do, I did them all myself, it was a very humbling experience. As time went on I thought about how fragile restaurants were. First to close, last to open. I thought maybe going back wouldn’t make sense and instead I’d start wood working, so I did that for a little while, had a while where I was agoraphobic and didn’t do anything. Got engaged Christmas eve 2021, was back working in restaurants and things were slowly getting better. I thought in 2022 I’d just become an agm or bar manager somewhere, get married, live happily ever after in this house we bought. Turns out, you actually don’t know anything about life.

I used to put a lot of the blame for her and I not getting married on myself, then on her, and now I realize there’s no one to blame. Life had a plan all along and that’s just the way it goes. I’m happy we didn’t get married, but I don’t think I realized that until last night. I was talking to someone and mentioned how I had this huge crush on a girl I worked with in 2022, while engaged. I wouldn’t have ever done anything about it but those feelings made me feel like maybe it wasn’t right, maybe that’s not who I’m supposed to marry, maybe I’m not ready. Life proved all those to be true, but through bringing a person into my life that made me realize what I had wasn’t what I wanted.

Late 2022 to now was a fucking journey, and now I wanna tell you all the things I know because of it, but at the end of the day I still have no fucking idea. I know that I’m worth more than I thought I was in that relationship. I know I’m one of a kind in arguably the best way possible. I know that relationship, and its ending made me a better man for the next person I love. Those are all things I’m certain of. Turns out being rejected was the thing that made me have self worth and confidence. Some days I think that confidence gets a little too high, especially if I’m bartending. In a restaurant oddly feels like the only place I have confidence. I know I’m really good at what I do, can be a bit charming, and treat people better than they’ve ever been treated, which is a slippery slope.

I think in the world of hospitality sometimes people think you’re only doing things with ulterior motive and not just out of kindness. Honestly? That’s true. Sometimes you pick the girl you find attractive to buy drinks for or make drinks for. Sometimes you really turn the charm on for that person so you can spend more time learning about them. Is that the healthiest way to be? I don’t think it’s harmful unless you’re being someone who you aren’t at your core. If you’re turning on some charm or acting in a way you wouldn’t always act then it’s a bit shady, but for me when I do it, it’s the most genuine version of me you’ll ever get.

If you want to know who I really am, text me and ask to come sit at my bar. You’ll quickly see that the way I treat people in the restaurant isn’t an act, it’s how I wish I could treat and talk to everyone, I just get awkward outside of that setting.

I think growing up being bullied, you don’t learn certain social skills. On top of that I was raised by a single woman, who wasn’t my mom, and had to work two jobs to give me a decent life, so I spent a lot of time alone, I think that’s probably why I still spend so much time alone. I should probably learn how to make friends at some point, but for now I’ll just still to overworking.

I’m going back to the start.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.