When we was lyin’ down on the floor
You said I should smile more
I was killin’ your vibe
Pretend I didn’t hear your voice
But baby, I was takin’ notes
Keep that in mind

Hey, you say you hate me
Ha-ha, I laugh it off
Your mind is made and I can’t change it
Somehow

Haven’t seen the sun in a month
But it’s all sunshine, I forgot how to cry
It feels like pain, pain is a world away
Took my cigarettes and flushed them down the drain, ah
Okay, okay, I’m lyin’

Mm, hey, you say you hate me
Ha-ha, I laugh it off
Your mind is made and I can’t change it
Somehow, I laugh it off

And if I learned anything at all
Smile

Here we are, blog #200. When I started this thing I never thought I’d stick with it, I never thought I’d make an impact on people, or learn as much about myself and life as I have. I never thought it would help me process grief, and loss. I never thought I’d become the person I sit here as today, and in such a short amount of time writing has given me all of that. I’m not sure there’s another blog to be written after this one, I’ll determine that in the coming days, so let’s make it a good one.

I’ve always been told to smile more, and the truth is I actually don’t know how to naturally smile, like when someone is taking your picture and says smile, it’s like the muscles in my face stop working. I only know how to smile when I’m laughing, or when I pull off something really smooth at work I usually give a little chuckle as I walk away.

I used to have a manager that would say “service with a smile” and I wanted to headbutt her every time she said it. I have always been amongst the best of the teams I’ve worked with, but good service, and good hospitality, don’t come just from a smile, something I didn’t realize then but I do now. Then again there’s really no reason to be walking around with a scowl on your face all the time either, I sometimes think my face was just made that way. Like my dad was such a grumpy person that I came out looking grumpy hahaha. I didn’t I actually was a very bubbly smiling baby, not sure where that road turned, but today I walk around with sunglasses on looking as grumpy as possible, in hopes people don’t talk to me. The truth of it is, it’s just a barrier I put up. I tell myself if I look like a miserable asshole, people won’t want to talk to me, and then I won’t have to open up to people or allow myself the opportunity to be hurt by someone.

It hasn’t felt super sunny these past few days, metaphorically. It’s been a little darker, but the sun still shines, the days don’t stop for you when you’re feeling down. Sometimes I pretend I don’t hear things people say, or pretend they don’t bother me, but one of the things I do better than most is listen. I don’t just listen, I remember. If you told me something, I usually remember, especially if I care about you. I actually remember a lot of things that people don’t tell me too.

Part of what makes a great bartender is always listening, even when the guest isn’t talking to you, I know that’s eavesdropping, but sometimes it helps you give a guest a better experience. Like when I stepped behind the bar the other day and 6 seats away I heard a woman talking about how she just got engaged a couple days ago. I have some distain towards engagement for obvious reasons. But I like excuses to celebrate people, and to make them feel special. I think it heals the part of me that never felt special. So I grabbed two champagne flutes that don’t match the rest of our champagne flutes because I keep sets that look different to give away to guests for engagements, anniversaries, etc. So I heard this girl say she got engaged, grabbed a bottle of champagne and walked over with two flutes, poured the champagne looked up and said who got engaged, they were both shocked that I heard them and she held up her ring, what a fucking rock. Anyways I gave them the glasses of champagne and said congrats, and walked away. Went to my stash of flutes, grabbed a fresh box, and a sharpie, went back over and asked her name, and as she told me I wrote on a box of champagne flutes, “Congrats Olivia -1928” and handed them to her, she was shocked and excited. Those moments excite me, and I’m sure I had a dumb smile on my face as I walked away.

I actually listen so much that the other evening a couple asked why some places shake a martini and others stir it. The short answer is shaking a martini, especially a gin one, is a tragic mistake. The bartender working couldn’t really explain to the best of why, so after I was done doing what I was doing I made two gin martinis in front of them, both made with the same ingredients, one shaken one stirred. I explained that you don’t want to shake a spirit based cocktail because the point of shaking isn’t just for dilution, it’s also to add oxygen to the cocktail to get certain ingredients to open up, like citrus, lemon is much more vibrant when you shake the fuck out of it, so is lime, herbs, etc. When you have just liquor in a glass shaking it is adding oxygen in a bad way, it makes the drink a bit less palatable. When the woman tasted them she was shocked at how the stirred one was like silk, smooth, inviting, and the shaken one was harsh, almost bitter. The guy couldn’t have cared less. But it was a moment I enjoyed.

Needless to say I remember a lot of useless stuff, like what your favorite colour is, what you’re afraid of, when your birthday is, a dress you want but can’t find anywhere, with that I’m usually doing something unreasonable. If you show me a pair of boots you like, and you’ve been looking for a boot like them, well maybe I find that boot and buy it, because doing nice shit for people is selfish, it makes you feel good.

Some days it feels like the pain is a world away, some days it feels like it’s attacking my insides. On the days that it attacks are usually the days I have the most success at work. When I feel bad I get myself out of it by doing kind shit for other people. It’s never my goal to kill someone’s vibe, though I know I have a million times, and will a million more.

I’m a human, I’m gonna feel things I don’t want to feel, do things I regret, and make mistakes. It’s never out of malice, and I would never intentionally do anything to hurt anyone, but sometimes my actions are going to hurt people. Know that every day I try to be perfect, I know I’ll never get to that point, so every day I just try to be a little better than the last. Perfection is not possible, but getting a little better is.

Your mind is made and I can’t change it

Somehow, I laugh it off

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.

0 left.

Take care, maybe I’ll see ya down the road.