I’m a rolling stone
It took you by surprise
You’re hangin’ onto something, anything
Just like a shimmer of light
Oh, how the sword, it fell
I said, “You’re really something, everything
To me, and I’m cold
So hold me closer, baby”

I don’t understand why you like me so much
‘Cause I don’t like myself
I don’t understand why you like me so much
Wish I was someone else
You say you got a million reasons
But I can’t think of one
I don’t understand how you like me so much
‘Cause I don’t like myself, mm-mm

I try to be consistent in life, it’s like the biggest goal of operating a restaurant, and sometimes it falls into my actual life, where I want to be consistent in my emotions, or who I am.

Ultimately I’m not sure that’s an option, since I’m an ever evolving human being, we can change from minute to minute, from day to day. So I can’t be all that I’d like to be all the time.

Sometimes I go through these weird valleys where I don’t like myself much. It stems from a variety of things I’m sure. When your parents get addicted to drugs while you’re young, they’re not usually there to support you and show you love or how to love yourself in the way I think it’s important for young people to learn. So now I’m learning it a bit later in life, and with that sometimes comes reverting to old bad habits.

I wish I liked myself all the time, but honestly I think the biggest part of that is discipline and learning to be more disciplined. It’s why I’ve decided to start running again, for some reason with physical activity I’m about to just shut down completely and remove myself from all emotion and just do it. When I run I don’t want to be running, but I don’t give myself the option of quitting. When I’m training jiu jitsu there are times where I wanna step off the mats mid class because I’m sweating too much, and I just don’t give myself the option.

Over time I hope that this leads to having more control over the way I react to things and my emotions as a whole. Sometimes I react to things and then overthink that reaction and it leads me to not liking myself, it leads me to wondering why I can’t just be normal and have the discipline to not say that thing that’s going to be hurtful to someone else, or how to have the discipline to not do that thing that is going to have consequences that could affect others.

These behaviors lead me to not like myself sometimes. I’ve noticed these periods of not liking myself last less and less overtime. From this time last year to now I’ve learned to like myself a great deal, but there are still times I wish I was already the person I want to fully be. Realistically that’s a lazy approach. I know I need to put the work in and stay the course, now it’s a matter of aligning my words with my actions.

I don’t understand how you like me so much
Wish I was someone else

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.