Stay up on a Friday night
Got nowhere to go
So I stay up ’til I see the light
What to get up for I don’t know

So what’s stopping, what’s stopping, what’s stopping
Me from sinking?
So what’s stopping, what’s stopping, what’s stopping
Me from drowning?

I don’t know how to stop this feeling
So I’m gonna stop feeling
I don’t how how to stop this feeling
Making loss its meaning
And everywhere I go
Looking for the answers
What I get back I already know

Did you know in Canada they don’t have paper currency smaller than 5 dollars… makes you wonder if strippers are getting hit with coins up there. Well I met a lovely couple from Toronto the other night, and I told them how much I adored their city, and if I was to ever leave Boston that’s probably where I’d go. They began to quiz me on Canadian slang from their area.

Do you know what a double double is? I didn’t, but apparently it’s double sugar, double cream in your coffee. The scumbags of Boston call it an extra extra.

Do you know what a loony is? I didn’t, but it’s a 1 dollar coin, the tails side has a loon on it. A Twony is a 2 dollar coin.

There were some others that I cant remember, but it was interesting to learn. I’ve actually had a loony with me in my pocket every day for the last 9 years, I saved it from my first trip to Toronto because it was the first time I’d ever left the country, or really traveled outside of New England.

Today, I got some advice, advice that normally I’m not sure I’d agree with, but with the way I’ve felt the last couple days, I kinda liked it.

My gm used train boxing, and when he would train they would play really soothing music. The idea behind it was you shouldn’t need a motivator like anger to become violent, you should just be able to do it when necessary. Then my gm said, but just put that into every day life, if being upset about something or not giving a fuck about that thing end in the same result, then why waste your time giving a fuck?

If you’ve never seen peaky blinders, Thomas Shelby flips a coin whenever he has to make a decision that is a lose lose. He lets whatever the fuck gypsies believe in decide for him. He had a girlfriend in season two and when she had to flee England and go to New York she asked him to go with her. He said he would flip a coin and let her know. There was no good decision, lose a person you love and stay, or lose your family and leave. The coin didn’t land in her favor.

Well today I had a decision to make, either outcome isn’t what I want, so I flipped a coin, but on my way to flip that coin I thought about what my gm said. I went to the beach, walked down to the water said out loud “is it worth it to continue giving such a fuck about things that are causing me conflicting emotions?” Heads and yes it’s worth it. Tails and no it’s not.

The loony landed on the loon, which is the tails side of the coin. In that moment I decided to give much less of a fuck. A bit of a selfish decision, but the universe picked for me.

Why put so much effort and energy into always doing the right thing and being a good person, if you could just not give a fuck and the result is the same? I will clarify that this only pertains to my personal life. At work I’ll continue to give a fuck, and take care of people, and show people love and grace and do the right thing. In my personal life it’s caused more headaches and pain than it’s worth.

I tried, I did
Oh, I wish I was stronger

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.

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