Sometimes we need
To be completely removed
To comprehend what we truly can miss
That being said, I can’t begin to pretend
My heart does not pine for you

May there be a peaceful road ahead of you tonight
May there be still waters
Here my ship lies to take you where you can rest your head
I will not watch you die

You still live in grief
More than any man I know
On mountains high through valleys low
It’s hard to believe
You once were holding death so close
Now full of life, enriched with heart, heart

I think when your heart pines for someone, and that feeling isn’t the same, that’s a tough pill to swallow. I think what’s harder is making the decision of pretending you’re okay with just being friends, or being honest and saying you’re not sure you’re in a place where that’s easy for you.

You know, if someone just wants to be friends and you don’t feel like that’s something you can handle, you seem shallow, like you just wanted to be with them and if you can’t then you want nothing to do with them. That’s just not the case, and it’s not that simple, not for people that feel on the level that I do.

My emotions are intense, they always have been, and even through years of therapy I’ve only just begun learning to handle them better, but it’s not about not wanting to be someone’s friend, it’s about learning to stop having deeper feelings for that person, so you can reach a point where you’re just friends, and that I’ve always struggled with.

It has nothing to do with being your friend and everything to do with, sometimes when someone is that special, they take you aback in a way that you’ve never experienced before, how do you not want more?

When you meet someone that you feel like you’re fully synced with, and like they could push you in all the right ways and you could push them in all the right ways, how could you not struggle with just friendship?

I think sometimes we meet people in life, and maybe it’s life’s way of testing us, pushing us to our limits. But we meet people who, immediately you’re drawn to, and then when you dig a little deeper you see the beauty that is not just a pretty face, but a good person, who believes in all the right things, and believes there’s good in the world, and wants someone to just figure life out with. Well when you want all the same things, and you have to be there as their friend and watch them make decisions that maybe you don’t think are best for them or whatever, all of that is hard. It’s hard on a mental level, and as someone who really has to be careful with mental health things, it keeps you up at night.

I think at the end of the day, anyone I decide not to have in my life anymore, I usually wish the best for, I usually regret removing them from my life for a while, and then slowly you learn that you’re all you have in this world, so you need to make the best decision for you, even if that is a selfish one.

I hate being selfish, I’m maybe the most selfless person I know, I literally picked a career where I take care of other people, where I put other people first 5 days a week. I know I’m not selfish, but I know sometimes decisions can be, and that’s tough to live with.

You begin to wonder what’s harder to live with? one selfish decision? or a life of watching someone you think you could have a good relationship with go out and have that with other people.

I guess I’ll take some time on this one.

May there be a peaceful road ahead of you.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.