Yeah, I can only handle heartache when there’s bourbon in my hand
If I had to relive all the hard days, I would do it all again
‘Cause I’m gettin’ better at the bar games, should’vе been a better man
So don’t you keep on tryin’ to fix me, you’vе done everything you can

But this road you lead me down is too long
It ain’t nothin’ like the streets I grew up on
When I beg you not to go, you leave again
Well, I guess I wasn’t enough in the end

The other day I was having a bad day and I thought about how I bet life is easier when you drink, and I bet life would be easier if I drank. I said I felt like I could drink a bottle of whiskey, because if I did drink, that would be my drink of choice. Whiskey neat. Specifically Willett Pot Still, or maybe Elijah Craig.

If I had to relive the hard days, I would happily do it again. The hard days are what made me a better man. It’s unfortunate that it took hard days and unimaginable loss to make me the better man I should have been this whole time, but better late than never they say.

I don’t believe anyone needs to try to fix me, because the only person who can really fix you is yourself. If you don’t take the time to become self aware and see the faults in your actions or in your words, then someone else bringing it to your attention isn’t going to change anything. That probably sounds a bit pessimistic, but take it from me, I have addicts in my family that I’ve tried to help, and if you don’t want the change for yourself, nobody can make you change.

It took more years than it should have for me to want the change. It took more loss and heartbreak than it should have to want the change.

The road I’m on now is long, and definitely nothing like the streets I grew up on, which I’m not sure if that’s good or bad yet, I guess the answer is in the future. The streets I grew up on were toxic, traumatic, and dangerous. The road I’m on now is the road to break all those habits I developed from being in survival mode all those years. Some things come easier than others. Some things come sooner than others.

I’m slowly finding that life isn’t really worth regretting, the time and energy it takes to regret something is time and energy you can put into just being a better version of yourself for the future.

When I begged you not to go you left, and thank god you did. If you stayed I wouldn’t be who I am today, and despite the occasional intrusive thought that I’m not worthy or I’m not a good person, overall life is better today than it was when you left, so I guess you did me a favor in all of that. Now let’s see if I can stay the course.

Well, I guess I wasn’t enough in the end

That’s something I’ve always believed.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.

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