When forever was a sentence, sentence to death
Oh, when you were a running tear, I was a drop of sweat
And, the edges of your soul, I haven’t seen yet
And I’m glad I get forever to see where you end

I won’t be alone for the rest of my life
I’ll build a boat for when the river gets high
And I’ll meet a girl in the heat of July
And I’ll tell her so she knows

That I’m broke, but I’m real rich in my head
That I broke a bone that never healed in my hand
So, when I hold her close, I might loosen my grip
But I won’t ever let her go
I won’t ever let her go

I used to think I hated this song, today when I was at the grocery store it came on my headphones and just as I was about to hit skip I heard a line that made me feel seen.

“I’m broke but real rich in my head”

I’m not broke financially, but emotionally I think I’m a bit broke, but it’s made me real rich in my head. It’s given me this ability to see things in ways most people don’t see things, it’s given me this bizarre view of the world that allows me to see the little details in everything. I like to think, sometimes to my detriment, but the emotional trauma I’ve endured is what’s made me this way, and even though I like it most of the time, it’s a bit much for most people.

It’s also true that I broke a bone that never healed in my hand, and so sometimes when holding hands with someone, or holding on to someone I actually need to adjust that, but I never let go when I go, I just move it to be a touch more comfortable.

This song sent me down the rabbit hole though, I thought about if I’ll be alone for the rest of my life, and if that would even bother me. I used to wish I meant anything to anyone, to anywhere. I think this is where my hopeless romantic side shows.

I’d be okay if this is what my life is until my dying days, if I worked in a restaurant, and was alone, for the rest of my life. It doesn’t necessarily mean it’s what I want, but knowing that I’d be okay makes it easier to go about life, makes you feel a bit desperate.

I think when the idea of forever can make me nervous at times because I almost got married, and for me marriage is forever, part of why I’m content having ended that relationship.

When that relationship ended she said she as afraid that in a year or two she’d want to get a divorce if things continued as they were, and that’s when I knew we weren’t meant to be.

For me when you commit to someone and you make that conscious decision that you’re going to build a life together you don’t back out, when problems arise you figure it out, when life happens and you feel a bit distant you make the effort to reconnect. you’re in it together, and you can whether any storm together.

Now of course forever doesn’t exist, but it does in some sense. Being with someone until the day they die or you die, kinda means you were together forever. And some bonds go past that dying day. You know I carry Presley’s ashes and bandana with me every day, so is she physically here? well no. But she’s with me forever, and the bond we had is something I’ll always have because I have the memories of it, I have photos of it.

Maybe I won’t be alone forever,

Maybe some day I’ll mean anything to anyone.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.