I don’t think you feelin’ me, I’m out here
Bein’ everything they said I wouldn’t be and couldn’t be
I don’t know what happened to them guys that said they would be
I said see you at the top and they misunderstood me
I hold no resentment in my heart, that’s that maturity

Writing blogs like this inspired by a rap song always makes me giggle, it’s such a thoughtful and soft blog, and rap songs always feel so hostile.

Someone who used to bully me as a kid dm’d me a couple days ago asking about the restaurant I work at because he wants a nice place to bring his fiancé, and how he’s happy to see me thriving in the service industry.

Are we gonna pretend you didn’t threaten to beat me up when I was a kid because I was small?

It’s kinda funny how social media works like that. When I was a kid and having a hard time because I had heroine addict parents and got made fun of and was poor, no one was checking in, but then you find a little bit of success in life and suddenly people wanna be your pal, ask for favors, etc.

I kind of enjoy it in a weird way, it’s a nice reminder that all the people who didn’t like me or don’t like me, are eating their words that they said about me. I enjoy it even more because I don’t give a fuck about any of those words, they just helped me. They were fuel to prove everyone wrong.

My whole life I’ve felt like a bit of an underdog, you know? I developed late in life so as a kid I was short and skinny and got made fun of for it, not that I’m exactly tall now, but you get the idea. I grew up poor because I wasn’t being raised by parents who worked or made any sort of living, I was raised by my sister who’s only 11 years older than me, and worked two jobs to keep a roof over my head. I bought all my clothes at target, I didn’t have what most people considered “nice” things. I was envious of all the kids that had expensive clothes and all that shit.

What I got out of childhood I would consider a fair trade, comparative to what they got.

I got life experience, I needed to learn to take care of myself at a young age, and I learned a lot of life experience that people either never learn, or learn much later in life, and that’s why I’m succeeding at a young age. It’s why I bought my first house at 24. It why I make 6 figures with pretty much no debt.

I said see you at the top and they misunderstood me
I hold no resentment in my heart, that’s that maturity

I made it to the top, and they didn’t know what I meant when I said I’d be successful, or when I said my goals out loud, no one believed it. I truly have no resentment towards any of those people, it’s hard to resent someone for doubting you, when all that doubt led you to where you are.

You know, in the book unreasonable hospitality, Will Guidara talks about a paper weight that his dad gave him as a kid that said “what would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?”

The point of that quote is to think of your most audacious goal and say it out loud. Most people never say their most audacious goals out loud because they’re afraid if they say it and then don’t achieve it that somehow they’ve failed, but I think if you’re too afraid to say it, you’re probably too afraid to go after it too.

What would I attempt to do if I knew I couldn’t fail?

1. open my own restaurant
2. Buy my sister a vacation home
3. find my person
4. Learn to love the way I think everyone deserves to be loved
5. Give everyone the benefit of the doubt, all the time.
6. Make magic in a world that desperately needs more.
7. Break generational trauma in the restaurant industry, make it a place people don’t associate with toxic work environment, anger, substance abuse, and sex.
8. Break stigmas around men’s mental health, because regardless of your gender you’re allowed to feel things, and talk about those things. Not only are you allowed but you should.
9. Be the role model I wish I had growing up.
10. if I decide to have kids one day, make sure they live every day of their life knowing they are loved beyond what words can explain. Make sure they always feel safe, and allow them the space and opportunity to be whoever the fuck they want to be.

I know those are some audacious goals, and some of them I may never achieve, but nothing in this world will ever stop me from trying.

Look, don’t invite me over if you throw another pity party
Lookin’ back, it’s hard to tell you where I started
I don’t know who love me, but I know that it ain’t everybody

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.