Baby got a ego twice the size of the crib
I can never tell her shit, it is what it is
Said what I had to and did what I did
Never turn my back on FBG, God forbid
Virgil got the Patek on my wrist doing front flips
Giving you my number, but don’t hit me on no dumb shit

This song has pretty much nothing to do with what I have to say, but I will say I think the ego is a little bigger than usual today. You know the first time I heard this song I didn’t know what a patek was, and now I can tell you the best model of patek and what makes it the best, that’s growth right? hah

I had therapy today, it turns out, life is good. Yesterday’s existential crisis is exactly that, yesterday, in the past, and the past is no longer my concern.

The first session with a new therapist is always dicey. Is she gonna be cool? is she gonna suck? is she going to get upset if I use foul language?

Well she was cool, and didn’t seem to mind the language. It was used for good reason. She asked what brought me to therapy, what I hoped to get from it and what my dream life looked like, she came with the heavy hitters. I answered for her and I’ll now answer for you, and so I have something to go back to on my bad days.

What brought me to therapy? Clearly this lady didn’t read my wrap sheet. Anxiety, Depression, Panic attacks, agoraphobia, ptsd, ocd, take your pick, All kidding aside what brought me to therapy and keeps me coming back is the goal of trying to be better every day. A better person, friend, boss, leader, just better. I think in deep conversation you are led to profound discoveries, like me today.

What do I hope to get from therapy? Well a couple things. First I’d like to become less of an asshole, and also I’d like to explore my generational family trauma. I’d like to understand myself better, my family better, and ultimately, use this information to be better, to be prepared for when hard conversations or emotions come up.

What does my dream life look like? Well my dream life isn’t far off from my current life. My dream life is to break stigmas in men’s mental health, by talking about my own. My dream life is to make the hospitality industry less toxic, by being the leader I wish I had when I was just getting started. My dream life is full of love and positivity. My dream life is operating my own restaurant. My dream life is buying a vacation home, that I’d ultimately give to my sister for all she did for me, but just to have in the family, for my loved ones to use. I’m personally not a big vacation guy. My last vacation was July 1st 2017. A home away from home, where people can go when life gets stressful, or when they’re having a bad day or a bad week.

Ultimately my dream life means having some sort of partner in it, what that looks like is to be determined because lets face it, I don’t tell fortunes, and you can’t put expectations on how relationships evolve. Maybe some day I’ll have another dog, maybe some day I’ll get married, maybe some day I’ll have kids. I don’t have the answer to any of those because I don’t have that person in my life that I’m wanting to build a life with. Those are answers you cant make on your own. You live your life, you meet someone cool, you learn about each other, and grow, and maybe grow together, and as that happens you start deciding things together. You don’t give up, you don’t quit, you accept that you’ll never see every little thing eye to eye with any other person and you learn to compromise. You accept that everyone comes with baggage and I don’t mean that in a bad way, but everyone you meet had a life before you, loved before you, had friends before you, and you need to be willing to accept all of that into your life, otherwise it’ll never work. Life doesn’t start when you meet someone, it probably started long before, and you need to accept all those parts of that person in order to successfully grow together. When you find the person that you’re willing to accept all that for, and want to accept all that for, don’t give up. People like that are worth fighting for, and if it’s worth fighting for you never ever give up.

That’s what I learned in therapy today, that I’ve had some hard times, and there’s gonna be more hard times ahead, but I have a level of resilience most people don’t. I don’t give up, I don’t quit. I may fall down, but I’ll get back up. My head may drop but don’t worry I’ll pick it back up. Dark times don’t last forever, sooner or later the sun comes up, everything looks a little nicer in the light, especially you.

Don’t take the dark for granted though, there’s so much beauty in it, it can lead you to places you never thought imaginable, it can lead you to places you never could have dreamed, but always hoped for. Darkness leads you right to where you’re supped to be. It makes you exactly who you are supposed to be. Beauty is easier to see in the light, but it’s in the dark too, you just have to look a little closer.

Life caught me slipping once, okay, so what?

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.

P.S. that last line? the first word is not the one from the song, but I’m not allowed to use the one from the song, nor would I ever.