Watch me take a good thing and fuck it all up in one night
Catch me, I’m the one on the run away from the headlights
No sleep, up all week, wasting time with people I don’t like
I think something’s fucking wrong with me

I might say some stupid things tonight when you pick up this call
I’ve been hearing silence on the other side for way too long
I can taste it on my tongue
I can tell that something’s wrong
But I guess it’s just my life
And I can take it if I wanna
But I cannot hide
In hills of California
Because these hills have eyes
And I got paranoia
I hurt myself sometimes
Is that too scary for you?

Fucking instagram. I was sitting today doom scrolling waiting to leave work and I scrolled past a reel of this song. Yes I know I sound old using instagram reels instead of tiktok, no I won’t download tiktok.

Anyways it peaked my interest, despite my distain for machine gun Kelly, I was curious what the lyrics would be, because I often when having anxiety or an existential crisis think to myself “I think I’m okay” and then I saw there’s a sad version and well, let the hole begin.

I’ve fucked up pretty much every good thing that’s ever come my way, I think I was born a nice kid and some where along the way I got a little fucked up, I experienced some traumas, I got stuck I didn’t grow, but I’m growing now, and hopefully the good things to come I’ll fuck up a little less.

Someone recently told me “nothing good happens after hours.” I argued that’s not true. But I lose so much sleep throughout the work week spending time with people I work with that drive me bananas, often by choice. Which made me wonder if there’s something fucking wrong with me.

I will always say something stupid because sometimes I speak before I think, shocker I know. When I say those stupid things it usually leads me down the road of silence from the other side because who wants to deal with that shit? No one. And even more so who has time for that shit? No one. I like to think I’m learning to be better about it, I try to pause for a moment before I respond to things, make sure I’m not metaphorically sticking my foot in my mouth, but hey sometimes it slips.

Yesterday when I left work I felt off, I felt like something was wrong and I wasn’t sure what it was, a little anxiety maybe but I kept chugging along, but today it hit.

Thoughts and feelings I haven’t felt in a long time, 275 days to be exact. Let me preface this by saying trigger warning, I’m going to talk about self harm.

When I was at work today I was really on edge and just felt like I needed to leave, and then I left and still felt this pent up emotion, I cant describe what I’m feeling, but it feels like I could just spontaneously combust at any moment.

When I feel this way the intrusive thoughts usually sneak in, I’ve been good about blocking them out but I think listening to this song gave them the opportunity to grab a hold of me. I stopped at Home Depot on my way home and bought a utility knife, code for I bought a razor blade. I have it but I didn’t use it.

This is where things feel weird for me, where I feel like I’m both going backwards and growing at the same time. In 2022 when my fiancé left, I started cutting myself, it wasn’t the first time in my life but it was the first time since I was pretty young, and it’s why I started doing jiu jitsu, jiu jitsu gave me a similar release but was obviously much healthier. Then I went 300 days without doing it and one day, when I was stuck from agoraphobia and didn’t know how to make the feelings stop, I did it one time. I immediately regretted it and it’s been 275 days since. I started running after that because it was something that took that feeling away, I tried running today and it didn’t take the feeling away, watching a movie didn’t, listening to loud music didn’t, hanging out with my family didn’t. The feeling is lingering.

This is one of those moments where I have to remind myself why we don’t quit, why I don’t quit, why I don’t give up on anything I truly believe in. I don’t give up on dreams, or people, or life, because if I did I would have given up on myself October 25th 2022 and I wouldn’t be writing this right now.

In 12 hours I’ll be in therapy, and I’m hoping that for the next 12 hours I can do anything but pick up that razor blade. It’s weird how no matter how much work you put in these thoughts can still get a hold of you. I’d never take my own life but sometimes that cut releases everything. Maybe it’s better to just feel what I’m feeling and try to figure it out than give in and release it all.

I hurt myself sometimes
Is that too scary for you?

I love you all and I’ll check in tomorrow.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.