I think our parents were sky-high or something
When they were raising us

Anti-social, maladjusted
Non-commital, can’t be trusted

Ok so the jokes about my parents doing drugs when I was a kid make some people uncomfortable, but my parents were truly sky high when raising me. I mean they only really raised me to 5th grade, then my sister took over, but SKY HIGH is where they were at.

Interesting enough I think looking back on my late teens early 20’s, maybe my parents doing drugs when I was a kid was why I was anti-social, maladjusted, noncommittal, can’t be trusted, because for a good while there I was all of those things.

Sometimes I’m still a bit anti social and maladjusted, but I’m passed the commitment thing, and my word is all I have so I consider myself to be pretty trust worthy.

I guess maybe I’m a little late to the party of discovering who I am, who I want to be, and how I’m going to get there, but better late than never, right??

I think most people probably start to learn who they are as they graduate high school and go to college and all that stuff, but I didn’t do any of that, and honestly, I don’t think I was meant to. Sometimes when I talk to people who graduated high school and went to college and have what most people call “real jobs” I get a bit insecure. I dropped out of high school because I was anxious and started working in restaurants instead, I went on to continue doing that while most of the people my age that I grew up with went to college, and then when they were out of college and getting jobs with their degrees I still did it. I go back and forth on if I made the right decision.

Yes I made the right decision career wise, I love my job, I make good money, I get to lead people and teach people, take care of people, nourish people, occasionally get people a little too drunk. Every day is a dinner party with a bunch of people you’ve never met before, and every day you get to be a little better than you were the day before. That part of restaurants is my adrenaline rush. Right before I yell out “Service” and unlock the door, to hear the team yell back “Service” and we begin letting guests in, is the best part of my day. We open doors, and I scramble because I missed a light or the music isn’t loud enough, a table isn’t straight, the bar stools aren’t lined up correctly, that tables water glass has a smudge. All of that fills me with joy, and so career wise I’m in the right place.

Socially I think I probably made a mistake. When you didn’t graduate high school and you didn’t go to college a lot of people write you off, Even if you did average 96% on your GED, no one cares, you didn’t go do that life experience so they think you cant relate. I got a level of life experience by the time I was 21 that college couldn’t prepare you for if you went for a decade. By then I had seen people overly drunk, seen people make life altering mistakes, personally made life altering mistakes, saved someone who over-dosed life, made a bunch of money, and had a party 5 nights a week for those first 3 years especially.

I think while most of my friends were in college I was adopting a dog, getting in a serious relationship and at 24 buying a house, and I think all of that was meant for me.

I never really fit in growing up, got made fun of because I had long hair or wore tight pants. never really felt like I belonged in any one group. When I had my first shift behind a bar April 21, 2014 I immediately felt like I fit in, and every day since behind the bar is where I feel my most true self, and it’s where I’m my most confident.

Now at 28 I don’t get to spend much time behind the bar, but I’m becoming confident in that version of myself too. Instead of being worried about getting made fun of for how I dress or my tattoos or my hair, now all those things make me feel good about myself, I turned a bunch of shit that used to make me have an attitude to overcompensate for my lack of confidence into my super power. That’s healing if I’ve ever heard it.

Now I need to learn to be a little less anti social, and I think through therapy and what I’ve been doing this year it’ll be over soon. I was thinking about how 2024 for me so far has been doing shit that makes me uncomfortable, and stuff that I tell myself I don’t enjoy, with one goal in mind: growth. I always tell myself I hate the beach so today I took a walk on the beach to try to understand both why people like it and why I tell myself I hate it. I usually don’t like to go out and do things alone because I bore easily, but tonight I went out to dinner, ultimately got bored and left, but I’m pushing myself to do these things I wouldn’t normally do because it’s the only way I’ll ever know who I am, and be able to become that version of myself.

I guess I’m a piece of work,

Takes one to know one.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.