July 1st, 2023. My own personal doomsday.

From May 31 to July 1 of last year I was having gnarly panic attacks pretty much daily, and on July 1st the one panic attack of all panic attacks hit and I stopped leaving the house. I stopped going to work, I stopped leaving my room, I was afraid to sleep, wasn’t eating. I didn’t leave the house for like 9 months. Finally in late march early April I started leaving the house. April 17th was the first time I went into the city of Boston since July 1st of the previous year. I was lost.

I think when your lost people can surround you and support you but they can’t bring you back. Today is a big day for me. I brought myself back. Despite how hard that time was, I’m so grateful for it, because it made me a better person, a better man, a stronger person. Now I know just how much I can handle, now I know that no amount of anxiety can beat me.

I know that life is hard but I’m stronger.

I like to celebrate things in life, today is a day to celebrate. It’s over. I’ve been dreading this day, scared shitless that I’d get back to the day and the trauma of what I was feeling this time last year would cut me off from the world again. But it didn’t, today was my typical Monday.

I have Mondays off and on Mondays we do self care, little things that make me feel better, make me feel safe. I start my day with an outdoor shower, then I get dressed, I go to the deli down the street, I get a sandwich, I go to the barber across the street and get a haircut, yes every week. Then I get gas for the week and a car wash. I come home, take a cold plunge and look through cocktail books. Then I do laundry, wash my sheets, make my bed and relax for the rest of the day.

Today I won. I’m not saying I won’t have anxiety or panic attacks again, but they’ll never stop me again the way they stopped me before.

So what was the secret thing I did to bring myself back?

Something dua lipa would call radical optimism.

I just realized how kick ass life can be. I grew up in such a fucking negative poisonous environment that taught me life sucks and it’s out to get you. I learned at a young age that if something good is happening in life it’s only a matter of time until the other shoe drops.

Well bitches, the shoe has dropped, except nothing negative happened, in fact I was in a negative way of life and the other shoe dropped and now life is so fucking cool. It’s cool to be alive, and to be outside, and to be working a job I love, to have new people in my life, one specifically who is so special and helping me see the glass half full.

I can’t believe how much time I wasted being negative and saying life sucks, but I believe life happens as it’s supposed to. I was supposed to experience all that bad shit so that I could see how good life can be.

I’ve learned to be compassionate.

I’ve learned to be grateful for the good and the bad.

I’ve learned to give people the benefit of the doubt.

I’ve learned to respect people, especially women, and treat everyone as well as you can.

And most importantly I’ve learned that life isn’t always gonna go your way,

BUT,

You can’t lose if you don’t quit.

Here’s to a bright future, and never giving up.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.