I don’t think I’ve ever written one of these inspired by “trap” music. I won’t share lyrics to this song because there’s a few words you’re just not allowed to say as a white guy.

Now let’s write something deep and emotional based on a rap song, because who does that?

I think I’m growing out of my attachment issues, you know the ones you develop when your parents leave you to do heroin, then your sister who raised you leaves you for a job, then your fiancé leaves you for another guy. Those things tend to cause some abandonment and attachment issues, which I admit I have. They feel like they’re fading though, and I’m not sure if it’s a change in priorities or a new found self respect.

I’m not going to sit here and talk highly of myself, but I’m respectful of people as much as I can be so I expect that in return. I think when I used to experience not getting that respect in return I always thought something was wrong with me, and to play devils advocate, there was something wrong with me, there still are things wrong with me, but not things that mean I don’t deserve to be respected as a human.

I think a couple years ago when my fiancé left me for someone else I had a hard time letting go of that, and like for a period of time I would have got back with her, but that season of my life is over, bitch.

I’ve realized that I guess my time and attention have value, something I’ve only recently started to feel in life, because again when your own parents leave you high and dry it’s hard to feel worth anything.

As the seasons go by and things change you quickly realize, we have a finite amount of time here, and why waste it with people who are not willing to reciprocate?

I hungout and befriended someone I thought I could trust, we hung out one day and I vented, now I said some things that I shouldn’t have, I’ve already taken responsibility with the correct people about that, but this person broke my trust and shared the secret with other people.

For most of the last 28 years I would have forgiven that and moved on, but not anymore. I’ve grown to have a zero tolerance to bullshit and drama. You know the next time I’ll talk to the person who wronged me? Never. Which will be tougher for them than me. See she was a regular at the restaurant, and against my better judgment I became friends with her knowing it would only lead to bad things, but sometimes someone hits you right in the spot you’re most vulnerable and you put blinders on. She befriended me by talking about how she looked at my instagram and really appreciated how much I cared for my late dog, and Presley will always be my weak spot. A day doesn’t go by that I don’t think about that dog and wish I still had her with me. When someone tries to connect with you about that they get you right where they want you, unguarded and vulnerable.

After a couple rocky conversations, one where I confronted her about telling people a thing I told her in secret, she said she didn’t want contact outside the restaurant, but would be cordial in the restaurant. I told her I wouldn’t be speaking to or contacting her in any situation. She can come to the restaurant, but I won’t say hello. That really speaks volumes to how she’s made me feel.

Now I’m back to being a bit guarded which I don’t love because at the end of the day it’s not who I am, I literally write about everything I go through in life, mistakes happen, and I need to remember I’m not perfect, despite my strive to be at least in a professional sense.

“Ride and stay committed, or beat it.”

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.