So I took my medication and I poured my trauma out
On some sad-eyed middle aged man’s overpriced new leather couch
And we argued about Jesus, finally found some middle ground
I said “I’m cured”

And I divvied up my anger into thirty separate parts
Keep the bad shit in my liver and the rest around my heart
I’m still angry at my parents for what their parents did to them
But it’s a start

But I ignore things, and I move sideways
Until I forget what I felt in the first place
At the end of the day I know there are worse ways
To stay alive
‘Cause everyone’s growing and everyone’s healthy
I’m terrified that I might never have met me
Oh, if my engine works perfect on empty
I guess I’ll drive
I guess I’ll drive

So I forgot my medication, fell into a manic high
Spent my savings at a Lulu, now I’m suffering in style
Why’s pain so damn impatient? Ain’t like it’s got a place to be
Keeps rushing me

This song sent me into a god damn depression on my drive home today, it’s still lingering, but I don’t really have anything to be depressed about.

It’s weird how accurately this song depicts mental health, I take my medication, and pour all my trauma out to some therapist, who really just listens, offers the occasional piece of advice, and we move on to another week. So many people think therapy is a person telling you how to feel, but really it’s just being able to tell a person how you feel without worrying of judgement or insecurity. I guess that’s why I like to write my feelings, I don’t have to see how someone reacts to them, I don’t know if there’s judgement so I feel no insecurity about what I feel.

There are days where I tell myself I’m cured, even though I know I never will be. There’s days of manic highs and manic lows, most days I try to operate somewhere in the middle. Anything that makes me really excited also makes me really nervous because I have like this ocd thing about exciting things where then I just want to feel that good feeling. Maybe that’s why I’ve never drank or done drugs, I’d probably be an addict.

I think truth be told I’m addicted to three things in life, and two of them sort of go hand in hand. I’m addicted to sugar, not booger sugar, like real sugar, I like sweets. I’m also addicted to emotional connection, which leads to my third addiction of hospitality. I love hospitality because of the emotions it makes you feel, it’s the most selfish thing in the world. Making other people feel good makes me feel so fucking good that I don’t know my limits or when to turn it off. The rush of making someone feel good is the best feeling I’ve ever felt, and I think it’s because I’ve spent so much of my life feeling bad.

I have the next two days off in a row and that always makes me nervous. 1. I know I won’t get the emotional stimulation I need for two days, and 2. it throws me off my routine for 2 days and then the first day back in my routine is always difficult.

The line “I’m terrified I’ve never met me” is one that gave me a little panic attack on my way home. Put me on the edge of my seat. When I got out of my relationship in 2022 I was sure I’d never met me, because most of my adult life was spent in a relationship building a life with another person, so how could I possibly know who the fuck I am. Some days I’m sure of who I am now and other days I feel like I’m not.

I always wonder who I’d be without anxiety or panic attacks, or like who I’d be if I was willing to step out of my comfort zone more. I bet my life would be more fulfilling, stepping out of my comfort zone has always been a struggle for me, and cost me the opportunity to get close to some people that I bet were pretty special. Sometimes my life feels wasted.

And if all my life was wasted
I don’t mind, I’ll watch it go
Yeah, it’s better to die numb
Than feel it all
Oh, if all my time was wasted
I don’t mind, I’ll watch it go
Yeah, it’s better to die numb
Than feel it all

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.