When all the hard times outweigh the good
And all your words are misunderstood
When the day seems lost from the start
You must follow your heart

I typically don’t write on nights that I close the restaurant, feels rude to send a blog to the people I sent it to at 1 am, never the less, I’m afraid that if I don’t get back to letting things out I’m going to end up in a bad place, or no place at all.

The hard times are outweighing the good since Monday. I guess when you meet your idol, you peak a bit and things only go down from there? I may be losing my optimistic touch.

Have you ever met someone, and without saying a word their presence brings you peace? I’ve had it happen maybe 3 times. It’s a great feeling when your nervous system is full steam ahead 24/7. I think those people are special and you should do everything you can to keep them in your life.

Overall I’d say if I had to describe my mood or demeanor it would be “uncomfortable”. I’m often uncomfortable, I have trouble reading social clues, making friends, dating, etc.

I realized today in therapy that I’ve been stressed and scared because this time last year I wasn’t doing so well, and then a couple weeks later I stopped leaving the house for 10 months, and I can’t do that again. I don’t mean I can’t do that again, I mean I won’t do that again, if it got to that point I wouldn’t make it. Disclaimer I told my doctor this so no worries needed, but that would be it for me.

I also realized that I’m misunderstood, and that’s nobody else’s fault, it’s mine. I have these barriers, walls, whatever you wanna call them that I put up anytime I’m into someone and they try to get close. I fear they’ll learn about how bad my mental health can get and will bail. Which is valid because everyone does. I get it, I wouldn’t date me, I wouldn’t take the time and effort. Nonetheless, it can be frustrating at times, especially where you get to a point of like oh this is exactly what I needed in my life and then you fuck it up.

To be fair I have a master’s degree in fucking up.

I recently met a woman, who intimidates the shit out of me. Who’s powerful, can command a room, who when she walks in a room people’s energy changes. We hung out and it went semi well other than the fact that I act like the kid on the playground pulling her pigtails instead of just being an adult. I guess emotion makes me nervous because my entire life anyone I’ve gotten close to has left, and that’s caused me to put up a wall.

She decided we shouldn’t continue whatever could have come from it, and she’s probably right, but it frustrates the shit out of me. I don’t know if I’m mad that I fucked it up, or mad that I didn’t handle it better, or that she’s probably right, or that she deserves better and I knew that and still fucked up.

I think as a guy it’s easy to become insecure around strong women, and instead of hyping her up like I should have, I knocked her down because my ego couldn’t handle that she was strong. Well it could, it just took me a minute to figure that out.

I had a date planned for us, that most would probably consider lame but her not being from Boston I think it would have been perfect. I guess I’ll have to take myself on the date and reflect how I can be better, and if there’s a way to change things.

I’m going to follow my heart on this one.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.