I had a dream
I got everything I wanted
Not what you’d think
And if I’m being honest

It might’ve been a nightmare
To anyone who might care
Thought I could fly
So I stepped off the Golden, mm
Nobody cried
Nobody even noticed
I saw them standing right there
Kinda thought they might care

I had a dream
I got everything I wanted
But when I wake up, I see
You with me

I was having a good day, good week even, and then I wasn’t. I just visited my old boss’ new restaurant. Despite the slow service, the lack of knowledge, and slow food, when I walked in I saw him moving around the restaurant. As I was leaving I asked a manager if Tom was still around if I could just say hello and thank you. The manager came back and said “he’s too busy to talk”.

I’ve never had an employer I’ve been more open and honest with about my mental health than him, we were close, and I really care about him. To have him not be willing to take literally 30 seconds to shake hands so I could say “thank you everything was great” even though everything fucking sucked, was a bit disappointing. To be honest it hurt my feelings more than I expected.

It actually sent me into a bit of a spiral, where I started to have a bit of a panic attack. As I drove home I felt into this hole where my self worth completely went away, and I started to have suicidal ideation for the first time in a really long time. I felt like if I’m not worth a hello, maybe I’m not worth anything.

I think this is where people get confused. Two days ago one of my drinks was featured on Forbes website and over 75 million people saw it. Instead of being proud of that I’m really just feeling worthless.

Originally tonight I was gonna write something called “Forbes or Faux” because am I supposed to be in Forbes or did someone do a poor job picking who to include in that article.

I just thought he’d be happy to say hello because I spent 10 months stuck in the house, and now I’m not stuck anymore, and I’m working and things are going well. Maybe it’s all for nothing though. None of the people I care about are excited about this new found “success” I’ve had or how important and exciting it’s been to me.

Maybe it was all for nothing.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.