‘Cause I’m a real tough kid, I can handle my shit
They said, “Babe, you gotta fake it ’til you make it” and I did
Lights, camera, bitch smile, even when you wanna die
He said he’d love me all his life
But that life was too short
Breaking down, I hit the floor
All the pieces of me shattered as the crowd was chanting, “More”
I was grinning like I’m winning, I was hitting my marks
‘Cause I can do it with a broken heart

You know, where the fuck was this song when my heart was broken and I didn’t know how to cope?

We’re a year and a half into healing, and I just finally got my feet back under me. For a while there it was dicey and I was never sure I’d make it to tomorrow. For half of that time I was doing the definition of “fake it til you make it”. Everyone thought after the first few weeks after the breakup that I was fine, but I’d go home and self harm, isolate, not eat, the whole deal. Then Presley got cancer and I just got worse. When she passed away I spent 4 months pretending it was okay, that I was happy and thriving, but really I was working 7 days a week to keep myself from ever having to face my emotions.

Here we are though, grinning, winning, hitting my marks, cause I did it with a broken heart.

I think part of having a broken heart and going through the dark time that I went through, was all so necessary. I don’t regret any of it. I wish Presley was still here, because I bet she’d love her new cousin billie. I wish she was still here because some nights the empty bed feels REAAAALLLY empty. And I wish she was still here because it was always okay with her around.

As much as I miss her, and words could never express how much I do, she really did get me to the place where the skies are gold, not gray. Even on rainy days things feel so different than they did before, I have more energy, I’m happier, I’m more excited about life. I still have moments where I get down, and still have moments where I get a little manic, but overall, most days are good days. I’ve finally reached a comfortable management position at work, I’m finally getting to make an impact, on the team that I work with, on the guests that we serve, and hopefully soon, on the industry as a whole.

I can’t pretend it doesn’t feel like something is missing, because it does. Sometimes I fear it’ll always feel like something is missing because I work 5 or 6 days a week, and when I’m not actually at work I’m out looking for inspiration, new ways to see things, new ways to approach hospitality, management, and drink making.

One of the bigger, or maybe biggest problems in my last relationship, is that work came first, Presley came second, and she came 3rd. Even being able to look back, she’d still be my third priority. Presley would be first and work would be second.

I think the part of ambition, drive, and talent, that no one really understands, is that with all that comes a huge sacrifice. I don’t want to work for someone else for the rest of my life. In order to make that a reality I need to really bust my ass now, laser focus on doing the best I can do at work, to continue to build on what I’ve already done so that I can open a restaurant, and it’ll be mine.

A lot of people see drive, ambition, and talent as good things, and they are. They don’t see how isolating those things can be though. Outside of work I spend all my time alone. It’s like that because most people, if they’re going to commit to someone, want time and attention. I don’t always have either of those to give, and that quickly makes someone weary of getting involved with you.

I’ve accepted that I may have chosen the lonely life, because most won’t appreciate the sacrifices I make now, so I won’t have to make them later.

Here we are though, grinning, winning, hitting my marks, cause I did it with a broken heart.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.