I can’t remember everything we said, but we said it all
You told me that you wish I was somebody you never met
But baby, baby, something’s tellin’ me this ain’t over yet
No way it was our last night

I need to stop listening to Morgan Wallen. I really hated this guy for so long, just because it would annoy me when people would go on and on about how good he is. I guess to some degree I get it now.

I often can’t remember everything I said in a conversation, even if you take therapy for example. Today during therapy I think I spent more time thinking of how I wanted to say things than I did actually saying things, and actually that’s probably what sparked this.

I don’t believe in the idea that you could have possibly “said it all”. As someone who likes to analyze things, I’ve been learning recently to not respond to things so fast, text messages, emails, you name it. I like to think a little before I actually say what I have to say, part of that is the over thinker in me, the other part of it is not wanting to say something I don’t mean.

Even writing this, I’ll sit here for 5 minutes at a time looking at the screen, trying to think of how I want to say my next fleeting thought. I won’t reread what I’ve already written, I’ll look at the blank part. I never read these, no proof read, no going back and reading for the most part. I write it, if I feel good at the end then I hit publish, and then it’s for other people, it’s no longer mine. It’s for someone else to read and resonate with however they need at that time in their life.

Tonight could be one of two things, it could be my last blog for a while(unlikely I always have something dumb to say). Or it’s going to be my last blog about this topic for a while, partly because I feel like a broken record, and partly because I think just when you’re about to give up on something is when it works out. For me, despite the terrible childhood, odd teenage years, and struggles with agoraphobia, overall, I’ve always been someone that when I decide something, I get it. I may not get it exactly when I want it, but eventually I get it.

Take my last job and this job for example. My last job I interviewed for in 2018 and didn’t get it. In 2023 I interviewed for it again and got it. My current job I applied for in 2021 and didn’t even get an interview, 2024 I applied again and was offered the job the day I did my stage.

The reason I have my job today isn’t just the luck of applying and getting an interview, etc. I took what I would consider a big shot, and it paid off. I was at this point in life, and I still am, where I’m not afraid of going after what I want just because I might not get it or the answer might be no. I applied for the job I have now and after a few days I didn’t hear back, so I DM’d the owner of the restaurant on instagram. I was transparent and honest and took my shot. The day she read the dm is the day I got a phone call from my gm for an interview. The moment he called about that interview I knew the job was mine.

So far most of what I’ve written in parallel to what I’m writing about but not the exact thing. As I’ve mentioned recently, I have this “crush”, which to be frank, they need to come up with a better work for because I feel like a child when I say it. That being said I’ve decided to focus a little less on it, and not try as hard with said lovely lady.

I think today when I was in therapy I realized a couple things that made me want to pause for a moment and try to become an even better person, which I’m sure I’ll do in no time because when I put my mind to something I’m laser focused.

The things I realized in therapy, are that I tend to go for people unavailable to me in some form, which is obviously just me trying to protect myself from what happened in my last relationship.

The other is that I really hate when people compliment me, which will take some deeper digging to understand, but it makes me shockingly uncomfortable.

I think those two things, make me scared that if I try to be with this “crush” I may hurt her, and that’s not something I’d ever wanna do or live with.

But baby, baby, something’s tellin’ me this ain’t over yet
No way it was our last night

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.