What’s goin’ on, mama?
Something just dawned on me
I ain’t been home in some months
Been chasin’ songs and women
Makin’ some bad decisions
God knows I’m drinkin’ too much
Yeah, I know you’ve been worrying ’bout me
You’ve been losin’ sleep since ’93

I thought you should know
That all those prayers you thought you wasted on me
Must’ve finally made their way on through
I thought you should know

Yeah, I’m still proud of where I came from

You know, I never thought I’d listen to a Morgan Wallen song, let alone be one my inspiration for writing. I think I’m very much one of those people who, when people are obsessed with something and talk about how good it is, it annoys me enough to avoid that thing and sometimes even hate it. It’s the small part of me that occasionally likes to be miserable.

I don’t believe in god, but as recovering addicts, my parents very much believe in him. My dad goes to the madonna statue in east Boston every morning to pray, which blows my mind, I couldn’t relate less.

I haven’t been “home” in about a year now. In that time I’ve seen my mom twice.

I have an odd relationship with my mom, because like you think I’d have some negative feelings towards her considering she abandon me to do heroin. Which is something that usually shocks people. I think the shocking part is how open and casually I talk about it. When they first got addicted to drugs and things got bad I was embarrassed by it for sure.

Being poor, not having clean clothes, all that stuff kinda stresses you out when you’re in 6th grade, probably why my nervous system can’t regulate itself still.

For so long I worked hard and considered myself successful in spite of where I came from. Now I work hard and consider myself successful because of where I came from.

Your purpose is not that thing that you do, it’s the thing that happens in others when you do what you do.

As I slowly try to get comfortable in my new role and what I do, I realize that having come from where I come from, and having experienced what I experienced is my super power.

We have an employee at the restaurant who’s been struggling to do their duties because of panic attacks and anxiety, I’ve been there. Last week they called out twice and the gm decided to suspend them for 2 days. I didn’t care for the decision to suspend, but it was made when I wasn’t present. When the employee came back the three of us sat down and talked. My gm was a bit hard on them and it caused them to more of less shut down, something I also would have done in that situation.

A little while later I pulled the employee outside and we sat in the sun for a few minutes and I asked what their plan was. The plan is to look for a new job where they feel less pressure to show up every day on time. I politely explained that I’ve been down that road before, and the pressure to show up on time every day isn’t something that comes from the job, it’s something that comes from within. I told them I didn’t care if they wanted to work at 1928 anymore or not, I cared about their plan moving forward, what action they’d be taking to get out of this hole they’re digging themselves in. I explained that I’ve dug myself into the same hole a couple times in life, and once you lose your confidence to show up for yourself and your commitments, things can get pretty dark.

For me it’s so hard to feel proud and happy that I’m finally back to work and cool things are in the works, and watch someone go through what I just went through for 10 months.

I already said I don’t believe in god, or I’d pray for him, but maybe my parents will. My parents prayed for me for months, and whether it was the actual prayer or just me finally breaking the cycle I was in, I got to where I want to be.

Tomorrow I have to do photo shoots of drinks(and hopefully not myself) for two upcoming articles. One will be about innovative martinis, in Forbes. The other an article of what to order in Boston right now from Boston.com.

With these articles comes less proud moments and more second guessing myself and if I’m even supposed to be the one doing this. I don’t really care to have my name or drink in Forbes, it doesn’t make the impact I want to make, it just fuels ego.

I guess you take the good with the bad.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.