You thought I’d take the blame for us a-crumblin’
Go ’round like you ain’t guilty of somethin’
Already lost the game that you been runnin’
Guess it’s catchin’ up to you, huh
You think that you’re so innocent
After all the shit you did
I ain’t an angel, you ain’t heaven-sent
Can’t wash our hands of this

First of all, on a scale of 1-10, this song is a 12. Secondly, it gives me the opportunity to put something to rest permanently.

I know of the 154 blogs I’ve written, I’ve talked about my past relationship. Let’s refresh, so I can let this go, and hopefully move on to a honky tonk woman that I fancy.

December of 2021 I proposed to my girlfriend of 5 years at the time and she said yes, shocking I know. We owned a house together, and she had been with me the entire time I’d had my dog Presley, so it just felt like the right thing to do. To be honest I was never sure I was ready to get married, but we’ll get to that after.

In October of 2022, two months before our wedding, she went to Vegas for a friends wedding, shared a room with a guy who was “just a friend” came home, broke up with me, moved out, and started dating said guy.

When I put it that way it sounds like I have no fault in this, which isn’t my intention. Ultimately I think I had done some things to lead her in that direction, and I own that completely. I was a bit of a mess during that period of time, a lot of anxiety and panic attacks, trouble leaving the house a lot, etc. The same old song and dance.

I’d love to say struggling to leave the house because of panic wasn’t a choice, but these days it feels like a choice, my panic hasn’t gone away, I just deal with it better, and it allows me to be myself. She definitely enabled the “I can’t leave the house I’m having a panic attack” vibe. She uses it as an excuse as to why she left, but truthfully I think it’s just that, an excuse.

The break up was a bit messy because mentally I wasn’t in a great place. I said and did things I wish I hadn’t. But I can wish all I want, it’s done and over with.

As we went through the process of the breakup she always made it seem like it was my fault, I was to blame, I was the one that fucked things up. For a long time she even had me convinced of that.

She also had a big responsibility in the failure in our relationship. She didn’t communicate, She stayed with another guy who she now dates. She blamed it all on my mental health which feels a bit like gaslighting not to sound like a queen.

For months, maybe even longer, I blamed myself for the failure of that relationship, I harped on it, and I hated myself for it.

Truth is, somethings are better when they end. She’s off doing whatever she’s doing, and I avoided making a mistake. I dated her for most of my twenties, a time when I really should have been learning who I was, who I wanted to be, and how I got there. Ultimately, over the last year and a half, I squeezed all that exploring myself and who I am, what I want, who I want to be into that time.

I’ve reached a good conclusion. I don’t hate myself for maybe the first time in my life, I’m slowly becoming an optimist which is…. Strange. And while I still have so much growing and learning to do, I’m doing it. I’m taking action, and it feels good to be confident in who I am for the first time in my life. I’m confident both personally and professionally.

For so long I beat myself up for ruining that relationship,

Turns out I had some help.

Where the skies are gold not gray,

J.